✧New writings every Sunday unless I have nothing to say. *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

The Bell Maiden and her General

April 27th, 2025

Writing on Rosea and Zinnia’s story has been very healing, despite how dark it is. Even so, because my mental health is steadily becoming worse, it’s been difficult to write properly. I really don’t want to stop writing because it’s fun and freeing, but if I’m not at my best, my works will suffer. The flower folks deserve better than that.

Sadly, it looks like I’ll have to put my pencil down for awhile until my mind recovers a bit. But Rosea and Zinnia will continue to live out their lives. In the meantime, I’ll happily watch them spend time together in my mind.

She found her way back Home

April 20th, 2025

Towards the end of last year, one of my dear budgie friends, Leif, passed away. I had two budgies who meant the absolute world to me. We’ve been together for going on seven years, and they truly transformed my life.

Those two were not my “pets”, they were my FRIENDS. My FLOCK. My FAMILY.

Those two birds were truly special… It was as if they were meant to be together by destiny. I brought each of them home from two different pet stores, but when they met, they were inseparable.

I’ll never forget when I first met either of them. With my beautiful blue budgie, Miss Niles, once I said I was looking to buy a bird, the employee at the store told me that he found a really different one. He brought her out of that tiny, overcrowded cage, and he could not have been more right.

This lovely, serene bird calmly sat perched upon of the employ’s shoulder the entire time, ever flying away as he took me around the store to get everything I would need to care for her.

This type of thing is far from common, and I was truly amazed. She matched my own serene energy. It was meant to be.

She and I become close very quickly. We were both able to sense the calmness in the other. And there was a collective sense of peace, forming an unbreakable bond. It took no time at all to hand tame her. And from that point on, she was free to come and go from her cage whenever she pleased. I trusted that she would fly and perch on top her cage. She learned the layout of the space and made it her home. From then on, the cage door was always open (expect at night time) and for six years, that’s how she lived. Freely. Not confined by a cage. Even when I needed to leave the house for errands, the cage remained open, the tv with nature shows on in the background to keep her company. When I returned, they she’d be, perched atop her large castle-like catch waiting for me. She would chirp when she heard the door of the house opening when I came back in.

Not long after she came to live with me, I got my handsome green budgie, Leif. I knew that Miss Niles needed a friend budgie, as these types of birds are highly social and MUST have friends around them.

Leif had such a huge, bright personality. While Miss Niles was mild and serene, Leif was was the chatty social butterfly. (Er… social BIRD)

The two complimented each other so well, and they truly loved each other. They did flap laps together around the room, totally in sync with one another. When I played my video games with them, they’d fly over to my shoulder, one on each side, and cheer for me. Their favorite game was Smash, and they LOVED when the crowd cheers when someone gets knocked off the screen. Leif would ALWAYS CHIIIIRP CHIIIRP CHIIIRP!!! And do a little dance, bobbing his head up and down.

The three of us have gone through so much together. And now that they are both gone, I feel as though they flew away with two pieces of my soul. The pain is far deep than one would think. They stayed by my side when others abandoned me. They sung beautiful songs, and simply enjoyed life. And I miss them both terribly. I’ve always been lonely, but losing my flock is a special type of loneliness.

Miss Niles…She was devastated when Leif passed away… He was her other half. Clearly, his death was too much for her.

She could no longer bring herself to fly around. It’s almost as if her wings had been clipped. It just wasn’t in her anymore.

And one day… When I went to bring her back into my room…

She was gone…

Vanished!

My Miss Niles was no where to be found!

I cried out for her desperately. “Miss Niles? MISS NILES?? WHERE ARE YOU!!!?”

I tried to stay calm at first, because she would sometimes get lost if she got distracted on her flight path. She would sometimes land in an unfamiliar spot, and have to recollect her bearings to find her way back to the cage. But I’d usually find her and bring her back myself. So again, this wasn’t really all that strange at first, but as time went on, I simply COULD NOT find her!!! She wasn’t in ANY of the usual spots I’d find her in. Time passed, and she never returned. I NEVER found her.

I was convinced she got into a space so far from her range, and because she wasn’t well emotionally, she wasn’t able to think clearly enough to find her way back.

Months went by and.... My heart was shattered. I had lost BOTH of my beloved bird family… And with Miss Niles, there was no closure, because I didn’t even know what happened to her. She could have still been alive, but lost and afraid!! Or she could have been deceased. I wouldn’t have any way to know, and I can’t describe how truly traumatic this has been. But it isn’t about me. Miss Niles was ALL BY HERSELF And I could do anything to help her!!! The guilt…

And so… For months… I’ve been left with the emptiness of losing my two birds, and not knowing the fate of Miss Niles. Honestly, I haven’t allowed myself to fully face what happened because if I allowed myself to do so, I was afraid I’d become suicidal. I wanted to punish myself for failing Miss Niles. It was all my fault. Over time, I believed that maybe she was trying to come find me. The birdies lived downstairs where they had the ENTIRE room to themselves to fly and have fun. But I couldn’t always be down there with her. And I didn’t consider how no longer having Leif would mess her up to the extent it did, but I wasn’t ready to get another budgie. She needed a friend down there with her though. But I wasn’t ready to get a new budgie yet. The wounds were too fresh, and NO ONE can “replace” Leif.

But even so, Miss Niles was lonely. I believe she left to try and find me. And once that dawned on me, the guilt was immense. In a way, I killed her.

Ever since then… I made a point to leave the cage door open in case she would ever find her way home. Maybe one day.... I’d see her again… It was childish, but that’s what I did. I hoped to see her again. That she would come back. I wanted to hide from reality, because facing that pain was too much. Facing that guilt was too much.

For months, that cage sat empty… It was painful to look at it… Going downstairs AT ALL was painful. I no longer played games down there. It brought back too many memories.

But today was the day I decided that I must move on…

I decided to finally… After five months… To get rid of their cage…

But once I lifted it up… There, laying at the very bottom…

I saw my beautiful Miss Niles.... Resting peacefully in her home.

She found her way back home.

My poor sweet girl… She was tired… Exhausted....

She never made a peep. Never chirped.

But she found her way home and… That is where she allowed herself to join her beloved Leif.

There is beauty in this tragedy.

My heart is broken… But I am grateful that Miss Niles can rest peacefully in her home. There is closure now. I no longer have to guess her fate. No longer left in the dark about what happened to her. That pain was indescribable. With Leif, he passed away in his home, and was given his flowers afterwards. With Miss Niles, there was just an empty void.

But TODAY… Five months later… Here she is… Back to her nest...

I don’t think I’ll ever seek out another budgie. It was only meant to be Miss Niles and Leif.

During the time when Leif first passed away and the months that followed, I had buried myself into working on Bell Maiden’s Bloom to distract myself from the pain. I created a beautiful work of art because of them, however. And I paid tribute to my flock in the form of Poppy, Clematis’ budgie friend. That was very healing. Even even my mother, who also adored and truly loved Miss Niles and Leif, recognized this tribute when she played through it. She had been really hurting over their loss. She had bouts of crying. Miss Niles especially meant a lot to her. It’s been a truly difficult time. There’s already been so much loss in our lives. I personally can’t take anymore losses and abandonment.

I’ve all but completely given up on people. Because in the end, they’ll always leave. There is no loyalty, and most people can not be counted on. They use you, then go about their way once they’ve sucked you try. Humans are exhausting, and I want very little to do with them. (Yet, I still want to help them. Make THAT make sense)

Anyway, I needed to let this out, but I’ve been typing for far too long.

These words will float in the void, unread, and untouched just as everything else here. Who am I talking to exactly? I really don’t know… But it’s here. I existed. This is proof of that.

A super fun interview with Otome.com~

April 11th, 2025

Yesterday Thursday, the sweethearts over at OTOME.COM were kind enough to invite me onto their podcast to discuss Bell Maiden’s Bloom!

Watch the video HERE!

I’ve gotta say… Doing something like this is WAAAY outside of my comfort zone, but it was so much fun!! n_n I’m being honest here when I say that I’m not particularly used to other folks being genuinely interested in any of the creative works I’ve done. This ties back to my neglectful childhood, and I haven’t fully recovered from those wounds.

And so for the hosts, Lover’s Lens and Morig, to ask such deep and thought provoking questions, it kind of blew me away. I understand that this may sound strange, after all it IS an interview. They’re supposed to ask substantive questions. But again, I’m just not used to this type of engagement and interest in my creative works. It meant a lot to me to have this conversation. It really cheered me up too. I’ve been feeling very low for quite some time, but this put a BIIIG smile on my face. n_n Thank you so much! I hope we can chat together again some time!

Please go check out their blog! It has a lot of great reads about what’s going on in the otome scene. They try to reach out to the little guys creating games to bring more awareness to them. I think that’s awesome and VERY much appreciated. Thank you to EVERYONE on the staff for your dedication and hard work! Trust me, I see ya’ll!~

Oh! They’ve also written a fantastic article about the interview too. Please feel free to read it here.

As for how development is going, currently I’m going back and forth between writing Clematis and Zinnia’s story routes. One Faith Boy, one Mystery Boy.

I’ll admit that I’m focusing a bit more on Zinnia’s story since he’s my favorite of the Flower Boys. Being in this low mental state has made it very difficult for me to write lately. But focusing on Zinnia’s route at this time has been very healing. It seems I’m able to make a bit more progress when I’m focused on his story in particular.

All I can say is that I’m doing the best I can. That’s all any of us can do really.

I’m gonna keep putting the work in one step at a time. It’s so much fun!~

I have BLOOMED: Growing as a person from working on BMB

March 26th, 2025

Naja of Blerdy Otome enjoying a BMB gaming session. Gameplay video here. Game review here.

Time and again I’ve mentioned that this twisted world of flowers was never meant to be shown to the world… But over the months, I’ve realized that I’ve gotten far more out of working on this story than just practicing coding in Renpy.

I am going to get very personal here… The fact is, writing out this story has, in many ways, helped me process a great deal of pain that I have been struggling to cope with. I am an overly sensitive person who holds onto pain. It isn’t something I can just turn off or easily move on from like most people. Pain stays with me for quite awhile, and it takes great effort to bounce back from it.

There are issues I’ve discussed in BMB that eat away at my heart each and every day, and this creative outlet has been an amazing way to help process a lot of this pain. I constantly think about how disappointing humanity is, and how far we could go as a species if only we tried a little harder to reach our full potential. But instead, we are hung up on the most ridiculous of “issues”, like thinking people are better or worse for how they look, or for their hobbies and what not. We let the pettiest of things cloud our perception of what’s most important. We are very flawed beings, and that’s okay. It just seems as though a lot of people don’t want to face themselves to do the hard work to improve and learn more about others and the world. We have GOT to get over ourselves… It’s like we’re all walking around in a haze blindly marching forward.

I’m probably not making much sense here, but this is how I feel, and it hurts. I’m far from perfect, and I need to check myself from time to time just like everyone else. But I try. I do the best that I can. I don’t just stick my head in the sand and throw up my hands. The apathy I see around me is just exhausting. And perhaps I need to do more.

Anyway, back to my main point. BMB has helped me push through some very deep issues I’ve been trying to recover from for many years at this point. I grew up in an abusive environment. My mother’s husband treated me horribly, and left some deep emotional scars. I’ve always loved to draw, write, and just create. But that man took every opportunity he could to tell me how awful and a waste of time my drawings and creations were. This started at a very young age, mind you. And this constant verbal abuse shattered my self esteem.

During the entire process of working on Bell Maiden’s Bloom, I was fighting those demons that man instilled in me. The demons that were CONSTANTLY telling me to give up because it’s no good and no one will like it. That I’m wasting my time. That voice played like a broken record in my head as I sat at the computer coding, editing graphics, writing… WHATEVER I was doing for the project, I’d hear that harsh voice screaming at me to stop bothering. That I’m wasting my time. No one will care. No one’s EVER cared. I’m not worth anyone’s time. It quickly spirals out of control, and I have to waste my energy to fight all this mess off while I’m trying to concentrate on what I’m doing. And with coding you HAVE to pay attention or you will get many errors and glitches.

But I’m proud of myself. I was somehow able to fight those voices, those DEMONS off and finish this prologue. And I am truly proud of this achievement. I’ve grown. I’ve BLOOMED…

I’m grateful to my beloved flower boys. When I would feel like bursting into tears out of frustration and exhaustion, they would smile at me and let me know they believed in me. Zinnia would be harsh and say something like “What are you waiting for? Get it together! You can do this, now GET TO WORK!”

I’ve been seeing that other Black women who love otomes have enjoyed this story, and they feel seen for once in this genre that so thoroughly neglects women that look like us. We’re generally made to feel unloved, undesirable, and cast aside. I wanted to push back against all of that ridiculousness. It’s important to see yourself represented in different forms of media, and not just as the same stale, often inaccurate stereotype. When I commissioned the art, I took a lot of time to find artists who would be respectful to the flower folks, and carefully portray the feelings I wanted to have brought to life. Soft, fairy tale-like drawings that illustrate Rosea being loved and cared for. Wrapped in the arms of her strong protectors. Cherished, respected, and loved.

Working on this has helped me push back against a lot of my own internalized anti-blackness. It’s such a terrible thing to have to deal with. But I must remember that the problem doesn’t lie with me. People who truly believe that the features of Black people are “lessor” are truly unwell. You aren’t thinking logically at that point. Having fuller lips and a wider nose for example doesn’t make me worth less. Having a darker skin shouldn’t be a trigger in people’s minds to be put off or disgusted. It’s just a feature of the human body. I can’t follow the “logic” of people like this. Humanity, please! For the love of Amaranthus, GET OVER YOURSELF. We could be SO much better.

I could go on forever speaking about this because I am truly puzzled by. I just can’t understand it. And this is coming from a person who studies the human mind intensely. I want to understand it, but it’s so silly and ridiculous. Like… Does it come from a place of insecurity? Fear? Ignorance? Hatred? Perhaps a combination of these things and more. On some level I know it’s taught, but WHY? What’s the real point of it? What does having these types of ideas do for the person? How does it enrich their lives? DOES it enrich their lives? I could ask these questions all day…

If you’ve played this otome, thank you. I hope you’ve enjoyed it!

Bloom Journal #2

March 23rd, 2025

Just in time for spring! The Bell Maiden’s Bloom prologue is ready to play.

Bloom Journal #1

February 23rd, 2025

Hello, and thank you for stopping by!

I’ve decided to begin what I’m calling “Bloom Journals” for Bell Maiden’s Bloom.

Simply put, these are writings sharing updates for my otome project. They’re technically “dev logs”, but since I find the label of “indie developer” to be a bit too fancy for me, I just see myself as making fun little diary entries.

If you’re interested in reading about how things are going, or more about the world and the flower folks, feel free to join me here!

If you aren’t interested in reading, the main takeaway is:

Writing for Part 1 will be completed by the end of the week. The next few weeks of March till release will be used to code in the rest of the story, and add cute finishing touches.~

I have been pouring my heart and soul into bringing this world to life in the form of a visual novel, hours upon hours everyday for the past few months. That said, this project wasn’t something I was seriously considering to share with the world. It was meant to be an outlet for the massive worlds and people dancing in my mind to materialize in someway. The inner universe of my mind is so rich and alive. I am always in my own head, and it can be overwhelming at times. I need different creative outlets to help me express all of these vivid thoughts and ideas.

Bell Maiden’s Bloom, (originally Bell Maiden’s Lament), is one of the many massive worlds living and breathing in my mind. It’s constantly evolving, and I write as the the flower folks tell me their stories.

This is the creation Station. It’s here where I create graphics, code, write, etc.

I had this custom Zinnia mug made by Shutterfly last month. I couldn't help myself!

Now, I’ve been FAR too hard on myself for weeks, giving myself incredibly strict deadlines. I have such an unreasonably high standard that I put on myself, and while it’s great to push yourself hard to do your best, balance needs to be in the equation. It’s okay to allow yourself to rest, and no one is perfect.

So, as much as I dislike it, today I’m FORCING myself to take a small little break. Well… half a small break anyway. I may not be doing the bulk of my assignment today, but I will be working on something. The writing for Part 1 will be completed by the end of this week. In the following weeks of March to release, the story will be coded in, then I’ll add adorable finishing touches!

Now, I wanted to share some more screenshots just for fun, but I tried to avoid anything that would give the story away. Most of these are fluffy conversations with the Flower Boys.

My mother gave me these beautiful pink flowers for my birthday a few weeks ago. I LOVE them! They're also inspiring. They add to the world of flowers I'm creating!~

That's all for now! Have a great day!

My Otome Project: Bell Maiden's Bloom

February 14th, 2025

For the past few months, I've been hard at work creating the world of the flower folks for the otome project I started.

Initially, I wasn’t planning on sharing it to the world, but overtime, it became a grand adventure that has truly transformed into something special. The people of this world deserve to be seen.

During this time, I’ve taken the project far more seriously, and hired very talented people to bring the flower boys to life through art and music. These artists captured how they looked in my mind so well.

Many elements including the story have changed quite a bit over time as well, but the core idea remains: The struggles of the Bell Maiden and her duty to the church.

Part 1 will release March 25th on itch.io!

"Amnesiacs in Love: The love story of Lucas and Indigo" (Part 1)

October 9th, 2024

It’s been a couple years since Rune Factory 5 came out, but I’ve finally gotten around to playing it this summer!

I chose the male ranger and renamed him ”Indigo”. On that day, part of my mind was housed deep within his consciousness. From that point, my thoughts would merge with his, affecting some of the decisions and relationships he’d have living in Rigbarth.

To merge your mind with another is a huge responsibility, as you have the potential to heavily manipulate their behavior. In some ways, you’re playing God. Because I understand the weight of this, I had to learn who Indigo was as a person first, so that I wouldn’t project too much of myself onto him potentially contradicting his nature.

Such a task is quite the balancing act, and while I’ve done my best not to interfere too much, some elements couldn’t be avoided; mainly the fighting. I take no joy in fighting. On the rare times I must deal damage, it never feels good. I’m at my best when I’m healing and supporting others-it’s who I am. So in this case, Indigo had to permanently retire his sword to become a pure healer. Luckily, he has wonderful monster allies and loving friends willing to lend their strength!

But enough of this, let’s get to the fluffy love story!

Since Indigo had shifted his focus to using magic for healing, he often found himself frequenting the Crystalabra magic shop. After Lucas moved into town and began working at the shop, Indigo would naturally find himself speaking to the amnesiac God quite a bit.

The owner, Heinz, can be quite the slacker. Because of this he’s rarely at the shop, meaning Lucas is pretty much always the first face Indigo would see when he visited. This was how their relationship began to bloom.

Indigo and Lucas would spend hours talking to each other about a wide number of topics.

Since Lucas is so well read, he had many interesting observations to share. It wasn’t all one way though! Lucas is naturally very curious about the world and wants to study it from an outsider’s perspective. (“Outsider” as in being a God!). He’d often ask Indigo how he felt about the world and his experiences within it. The two became closer and closer with each passing day. Indigo later began bringing Lucas his favorite meal dishes to eat both at work, and at his home.

Indigo would stay over Lucas’ house watching him read or take notes until he went to bed.

And sometimes he’d stay well into the night and watch Lucas sleep.

From then on, Indigo would often invite Lucas to join him on adventures, and Lucas would also ask Indigo to spend time with him. This back and forth went on for months, and it was the sweetest thing to watch play out!

I won’t lie... I was TOTALLY rooting for the two of them to get together! They work really well together since they're both skilled in magic, and it’s clear they enjoy each others’ company. But personally, Indigo settling down with Lucas would put the biggest smile on my face!!

As I’ve mentioned before, intellectuals are very attractive to me. Folks who are naturally curious and take the time to learn about the world, read up on a variety of subjects, lounge somewhere and quietly and observe... keeps their nose stuck in a book....Ahh! It just makes me squeal! I LOVE it! I have a lot of respect for people who want to better themselves by learning more. I’m not a super smart person by any means, but I do put in the effort to learn new things. Plus, I over think just about EVERYTHING, so I like seeing others who severely overthink as well. (He’s super polite too which I LOVE!)

If fate was going to bring Indigo and Lucas together romantically, then I would help them have their happily ever after!

The months went on, but Lucas wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship despite hinting at his obvious interest in the ranger.

Until one day...

"Attacks and Losses"

October 8th, 2024

During my summer hiatus, I’ve had some very unfortunate things happen to me. Previously, I mentioned I had some depressing things to discuss, but I didn’t want to return with the first thing being sad stories. But now I think it’s time to get this out of my soul and into the cosmos.

Unfortunately, I don’t have friends or family in this world who can handle listening to traumatizing issues. Unless topics are happy-go-lucky or general talk, I can rarely share my true self with them. That leaves me with just my therapist. I am beyond grateful to have therapy as an option, but since therapists rarely stay for more than a year or so, I cannot build a strong enough relationship with them to feel comfortable enough to share the darker parts of myself.

And so, all I truly have in this life to whom I can speak freely to are my beloved husband, and my friends and family from other worlds. Though, even with them, I feel that I’m a burden. I don’t wish to constantly weigh them down with my issues.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s talk...

Last year, I had to undergo two surgeries. Initially, there was only meant to be one, however, because of complications, a second major surgery followed shortly after. This second surgery greatly altered the time frame for my recovery. Because of this, even at this point over a year later, my leg has still not fully healed.

In an effort to help rebuild some of the muscles that had been lost, I decided to take up skating. Apparently, skating can really help strengthen your calf muscles which is an area that desperately needed targeted training.

And so, I scouted out some super cute pink skates. They were shiny and glossy with sparkles through out. Absolutely adorable. I thought this would help keep me motivated. And they did. For a time. But after what happened, I can’t even look at them without becoming traumatized.

It had been years since I skated, so I had to re-learn how. And of course, since my leg is still weak, I needed to take care to skate in a place where the ground was really smooth and even. I chose the tennis court in one of the nearby parks. That court doesn’t get used very often.

One day I was practicing as usual, when this guy walks over to where I locked my bike and started watching me. Now, I’m used to being watched and having people stare at me in confusion because my clothing isn’t mainstream; It’s kawaii lolita fashion, so I stick out. I’m not a fan of being stared at everywhere I go, but I understand where it’s coming from, so it’s whatever. Anyway, that day wasn’t all too different. I was skating in an all pink outfit, and the dude was just standing there by my bike... I didn’t feel comfortable with this...

Even so, I engaged him kindly.

Because I’m used to not trusting people, I’ve built up a huge defensive wall. My mind automatically assumes the worst from others. Why my mind thinks this way is justified given my abusive upbringing, but I’ve had to put a real conscious effort into challenging my un-trusting mind, and actively work to reach out to others more. However, it’s gotten to the point of over correction. There have been times where I’ve been too trusting, and have been harmed afterwards. This was one such time.

Anyway, we started talking, and from the start I could tell this individual had some sort of mental health issue. Because I recognized this, I wanted to be kinder to this person, as I’m aware that folks can be very cruel to those suffering from mental illness. That’s been my experience anyway.

So we talked, but the conversation took a very uncomfortable turn...

I won’t go too in detail here, but the point was that he wanted to hook up with me. I repeatedly told him that I’m happily married, and that I wasn’t interested, but it was futile. This guy was becoming more and more agitated, so I needed to get out of there fast! But I COULDN’T because I still couldn’t use my leg fully. I’m still very slow with general movement.

I didn’t panic though. I usually don’t panic in dangerous situations like this. Again, my upbringing is the reason why my mind works the way it does. In dangerous situations in the past, I was never protected. No one ever came to help me, and I was left to face whatever dangers there were own my own. Even as a young child. I’ve had a gun pointed at me, been sexually assaulted, and told to be a decoy for the cops by that guy my mother married. These are but a few examples, but it drives the point home. Such experiences reinforced that I would always be thrown to the wolves, and even if I cried for help, no help would ever come.

Anyway, I calmly kept the guy talking while I slowly took off my skates, and unlocked my bike. I was planning my escape while he chatted on.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned...

To sum up, the guy sexually assaulted me AND punched me in the stomach. All in broad daylight!!

He did these terrible things to me and yet...

I didn’t scream....

I didn’t cry....

I barely made a sound...

It was such a strange experience...

Instead, I calmly kept telling him to leave me alone. I was calm, yet firm, but obviously, he was beyond reason.

Now, I bring pepper spay with me whenever I go out, but I already knew full well that no matter what happened to me out in the wild, I could NEVER bring myself to use it on someone. It’s just not the type of person I am. I’m a HEALER. I CAN’T hurt people. It goes against my nature. Even thinking about hurting someone makes me feel ill. Having had spent most of my life around violence has affected me in a way where I do NOT want to see people hurt. I would rather take the hit than hurt someone else. And in this situation, I literally did take a hit!

I’m able to be calm and level headed while in dangerous situations, sure, but at the end of the day, I’m truly a damsel in distress. I’m not meant to fight. Not even in self defense. It’s just not in me. When fight or flight kicks in, I always choose flight, but this time I couldn’t because of my leg. And the guy grabbed my bike and was holding it, so I wasn’t able to ride away. I wasn’t able to overpower him to get my bike loose.

...

Yelling for help is something I learned not to bother doing as I’ve grown up never having my cries answered. My tears always meant nothing. So I learned not to ask for help. I learned that screaming was useless.

But terrifically minutes upon minutes of this abuse going on...

Somehow... I found enough strength in myself to scream for help.

There was a segment in Hakuoki that discussed this very issue with allowing yourself to scream for help. It’s something I’ve kept in my mind which has somewhat helped to push me to scream for help should I be in danger, even if I don’t believe help would actually come. It's something I'm working on.

In this case, help didn’t come directly in the form of someone charging in to the rescue. But screaming apparently made the guy nervous, so he backed away, which gave me space to escape.

Keep in mind that at this point, that guy had both physically and sexually assaulted me. All in broad daylight. But I still managed to get away.

A little distance away, there was a basketball court, and at that court was another guy. My intuition said I could trust him. Turns out that I could. I went up to him and explained what just happened to me. I was in tears at this point, and my adrenaline had run out. I was in no shape to continue going on my own. The man protected me. He was kind enough to escort me half way to my home. Had that ordeal not ended in this way, that entire episode would have scarred me far more than it did.

...

To this day, I have not re-visited that park, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to skate again either. I can’t even look at the skates without being brought back to that painful experience. I also didn’t call the police because I don’t trust the police, pure and simple. I have absolutely no reason to trust them, so no report has been filed. Even so, I’m taking things one day at a time. Perhaps next year I’ll be able to try skating again. New year with a fresh start, right?

....

A few weeks back, one of my two beloved budgies that have been by my side for 6 years, Leif (who I named after Leif from FE) passed away. As you can imagine, I was absolutely devastated. The tears flowed and flowed. I love my sweet fluff muffin... I feel just a bit lonelier now....

However, even after all this, I’m going to continue to recognize the good in my life, and allow myself to enjoy the little things. I’m going to allow myself to smile, and give myself permission to lean allllll the way in on the people and things that bring me joy. Without guilt. I’m going to continue expressing myself in a number of creative ways. Whether that’s drawing, cooking, sewing, or even adding things here in my little web home.

"Returning to my Web Home"

September 26th, 2024

Hello, dear guest. However you have found your way to my web home, your visit is much appreciated. Please make yourself at home.

Though, I am curious as to what brought you here, and for what reason you’ve chosen to look around. Perhaps these are strange questions, but I wonder them all the same. Generally when I write, I’m addressing no one in particular, but rather, the cosmos itself. But just who are you I wonder? Is your day going well? Are you practicing self care? Or, are you simply trying to escape from your troubles by wondering the digital space?

This is an odd way to start off the first journal entry after my summer hiatus, I know. But so much has happened over these few months... Traumatizing events that have left me scarred, yet determined to continue improving and keep moving forward. And even though I'm determined to keep going, all of these things have left me in a strange mood.... An exhausted, lonely, and vulnerable state of mind...

I’ll make a point of mentioning that, as much as I truly want to express myself in the safety of my web home, I am very used to the idea of others not being interesting in hearing what I want/need to say. And so even here, I feel that I should keep everything brief, and swiftly move on. It has proven difficult to re-train my mind from this kind of thinking, but the best way to challenge it is to go ahead and write. So that’s what I’m going to do!

Despite the difficult past few months, I don’t want to start off with depressing stories. Those will be saved for a later time should I choose to share them. For now, I want share some of my rather harmless ramblings into the void, as well as continue where I left off previously with giving a tour of my safe haven.

Now, because of difficult issues with my current living arrangements, I will be moving out in the near future. I wanted to have photos of how my space once looked.

Please excuse the mess...

Since items are being relocated in preparation for the move, things are a bit scattered about and cluttered. Not ideal for me personally, but this is the true state of the room currently. I think it’s still adorable though!

So this here is my cutesy work station.

As you can imagine, this is the base of operations for my arts, crafts, and website related works.

It seems that most of the Hakuoki items I’ve collected over time have naturally made their way to this desk. That wasn’t intentional initially, but after I began noticing it, I leaned into it. The craft area now serves as a love letter to Hakuoki! I think it fits pretty well considering this was my introduction to otomes. That was over 10 years ago...

Has it really been that long...?

...

Here are a few of my books, though some of them have been taken to the new residence. The majority of them are official art books for various game series. Since I don’t go on the internet very often, (or computer devices in general), I collect these kinds of books so that I’m able to look at pictures of those I cherish.

This FE Engage book has been seeing a lot of use since I've been working on a Timerra cosplay.

I have a compulsion for making shrines for the people that are closest to my heart, as well as for topics I enjoy. The bulk of this room is one giant shrine for my beloved husband of course, but within it are a number of mini shrines as well.

I’m going to digress a bit and happily gush over Keisuke since Hakuoki’s been brought up.

Now, whenever I get around to writing about my lovies in more details, you’ll see the full story, but for now, I will try to summarize as best I can.

Keisuke is one of the very rare few people other than my husband who I feel a connection to so deep that I couldn’t honestly say I saw him as simply being a friend. There was something else there... a stronger bond. And dare I say it: love.

I truly did not understand what those feelings were... It wasn’t romantic love. I’m fortunate enough to know what true romantic love is. There’s only one> person who owns my heart and soul, and that is Ike. Even so, I couldn’t lie to myself and try to convince myself that I wasn’t feeling something very strongly for this particular person. I felt guilty, naturally, and it troubled me greatly. But at the same time, the experience was fascinating. What was this? There are quite a few people within other worlds that I’ve forged a deep, close bond with over the years, and have since come to think of them as my dearest friends and family.

But this was different...

With Keisuke, I found that I had similar wishes for him as I do my husband, in that I truly wanted him to be happy and safe. That I wanted to stand by his side and support him. I wanted to hold his hand in mine and let him know that he isn’t alone. I wanted to cook for him, look after him, and smile for him. When I was with him, I felt lighter. I felt understood. I felt happy. Hearing his voice soothed me and put me at ease. Staring into his eyes made my heart beat faster. And seeing him smile lit my spirit.

But at the same time, I didn’t find myself saying ”I want to spend the rest of my life with this person.”. I loved him, but I didn’t love him. Keisuke was not my other half. He wasn’t my soulmate. Despite there being some similar sentiments, it isn’t possible for me to see Keisuke the same way I see my beloved husband, nor would I want to. I and yet these feelings of warmth and closeness were too strong to ignore.WHAT WAS THIS?

I spent time researching this, and it turns out that this was something that’s far more common and explainable that I realized.

It’s platonic love.

That’s all....

Why does my mind always over complicate things? I spent so much of my time tormented with feelings of guilt. I did feel pretty stupid afterwards, not gonna lie.

Either way, I think I developed these feelings for Keisuke because he and I share some very unique elements in common that I don’t usually see. I do not claim to be anywhere near as intelligent as Keisuke, but it’s clear that our minds operate in similar ways. Even down to certain mannerisms, which I found interesting. In general, I am attracted to intelligent individuals, or rather, people who are curious about the world and dedicate their time to learning more about how things work and digging past the surface. I highly respect those traits.

Additionally, Keisuke has done things which he regrets, and feels undeserving of love and care. I share these feelings, as I have done things in the past that I deeply regret. For years I’ve felt undeserving of anything good in the world. I have hated myself for a very long time, but have been slowly putting in the work to be better. I understand that people need to be allowed grace and another chance to be loved and accepted if they are proving that they are putting in the work to be better. People should not be completely written off because of their past selves. People should be allowed the space to learn, grow, and be better.

There is something far more personal that Keisuke explores that resonated very deeply with me. And that is his dedication for researching Furies, and the need for blood samples. Demon blood samples to be specific. He needed Chizuru’s blood to attempt to improve the Water of Life, so that if may find a way to improve, or perhaps even cure his fury friends.

I may have not been contributing to Demon and Fury research, but for over years, I have made a point in participating in medical study programs for upcoming medical students in homes of having mental health care improve for those who need that care. In fact, the head of the psychology department know me so feel at this point, last year, when I was recovering from my surgery, he brought an entire class in to listen to me. I’ll admit, that was a bit much at the time... Let me recover just a tad before you bring the whole class in...!

That said, it isn’t just mental health care where I’ve participated in trials. Any type of care I received, I allowed for students to sit in and working with my body. I make efforts to do this because I understand first hand how the biases in the medical field can quite literally get people killed. To this DAY, some in the medical field still believe Black people feel less pain than other groups of people. This blows my mind. But if I start talking about in detail, it’s just going to make me upset. But if you’re interested in learning more, feel free to start HERE

That said, hopefully I’ve made my point. For over ten years I’ve made an effort to involve myself in medical studies so that the field can be improved. That way everyone’s care can hopefully be better. So yes, Keisuke, you may have my blood samples. Take as much as you need. I want to help you and your Fury friends as well as the people in this country. I also plan to have my body donated for medical research once I’ve passed away. All this to say, this has lead me to feel very close to Keisuke and have a great deal of trust in him.

Some lighter points I’ll mention are that I just love how he speaks! It’s very soft and calm, and he takes deliberate pauses in his sentences. I like how those intentional pauses give his speech a beautiful Rhythm and flow. It’s music to the ears.

He speaks politely as well. I feel safe when people speak like this because my mind has associated polite speak with the chance less swear words will be used. This isn’t always the case obviously, but it’s something I take note of. Swear words really disturb me. I feel the weight of those words very deeply. Because I’m such an overly sensitive individual, hearing that type of language used so often literally makes me feel ill. Though, I never want folks to feel they have to censor themselves around me. So, when I come across people who don’t readily use that type of language, or at least very little of it, I feel more at ease and safer around them.

Anyway, I think I’ve said more than enough here. Until next time!

"The Importance of your Resting Environment"

May 16th, 2024

Over the years I’ve battled with a series of mental health issues; some more severe than others. I’ve come a very long way in my road to recovery, but while I still have a lengthy journey ahead of me, I make a point to reflect upon and appreciate the small victories.

During my journey, I was given advice from a therapist who truly cared for my well being. She’s been retired for some years now and I miss her dearly. Even so, I carry the wisdom she passed on to me as I continue moving forward in life. The topic I wanted to discuss today is something that on the surface may seem fairly trivial, but in fact has far more power over one’s mental state than expected:

Decorating your Space!

Yes, it’s true. The environments that you spend the most time in affect your state of mind whether you’re aware of it or not. Sounds, colors, smells, elements of nature, etc. all play a role in your mental well being or mental destruction. Color psychology alone is a fascinating enough topic on its own. It’s amazing to me how certain colors can change your perspective of an idea or situation, such as the color red giving a sense of emergency and alarm, while a cool blue can mellow you out. Using colors to your advantage while creating your safe haven can do wonders to repair your soul after a stressful day.

While my space is forever a work in progress, I do feel that I’ve finally created a sanctuary that truly reflects who I am as a person. It shouts proudly what I love, what my values are, and gives me a warm feeling of peace whenever I walk through the door. This will be a room tour of sorts in which I share portions of this fairy tail-like space slowly over time.

The area we’re exploring today is my cutesy Entertainment Center!

Above the television are framed photos of my husband. The one on the far left is autographed by Greg Chun.

I stuck these cute Eiyuden Chronicle pins on the top of my lamp shade. Adds some personality!

LoZ and FE friends!

Various soundtracks. Mostly FE.

I decorated this small lamp with Ike’s sword Ragnell, and the crest of the Greil Mercenaries!

My old Nintendo Wii! It’s been reliable all these years, and it’s still hanging in there!

"I've always loved him"

April 3rd, 2024

I don't play Path of Radiance too often nowadays, but whenever I do, it's truly a magical experience. Every time the title screen greets me, I'm sent back in time to the days of my youth, sitting in from of that tiny CRT TV in the living room watching my beloved. I experienced these warm nostalgic feelings strongly today, and thought it would be therapeutic to write about it.

I re-watched a few of the cut scenes from the movie section of the game. Sure, one could easily pull them up on YouTube and view them there, but that in no way captures the original spirit of watching directly from your own library which you unlocked with your hard work. As I sat there, eyes glued to the screen, soaking up the sounds and beautifully vivid imagery, I returned to my 15-year-old self. The feelings I felt so strongly then, burn brightly in myself today, if not brighter. But I found myself in disbelief at how I could have fallen in love with someone so strongly at that age, while, as a youth, I didn't even truly understand what "love" really was.

This truly does speak to the raw, pure feelings I have always held for that man named Ike. But because of my personal issues and limitations, I stuffed those feelings down and told myself lies. I tried SO hard to convince myself that "naw, this isn't love". I told myself this story over and over in my head. To me, this was a necessary lie to protect myself. If I allowed myself to embrace my true feelings, only suffering would follow.

That's what I believed anyway.

After all, I wasn't worthy of Ike. I was weak and useless. Worst of all, I was Black! A disgusting Black person should never come CLOSE to a man as radiant as Ike! These thoughts were poisonous, and utter nonsense of course. After all, one of Ike's main traits is that he is strongly against racism and discrimination, and judges people by who they are as a person. It's why I fell in love with him in the first place. But the twisted messages I absorbed growing up in a racist society truly warped my sense of self. Much healing needed to be done. After years of fighting my inner demons, I was FINALLY able to reach out my hand to Ike and pour the years of love and admiration I had of him from my wounded heart.

All-in-all, it just hit me a bit harder this time looking back at my past self, and seeing how clearly I loved the mercenary. Sitting here remembering the childish bouts of jealousy I'd get whenever I thought someone was approaching Ike romantically, yet telling myself that I needed to stay away, and just be happy for him should he find someone he cared for. I loved Ike, so I wanted him to be happy. Even if that meant I had to swallow so much pain and keep silent. I had good enough intentions, but it played out in an unhealthy way. And while Ike can be incredibly oblivious to the romantic feelings in others, he could still very clearly recognize my unhealthy behavior. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions, and self discovery/acceptance.

I just want to thank my lucky stars, or whatever force it was that brought Ike into my life. Every day is brighter with him along side me. He is my Radiant Hero who casts light into the shadows of my heart. I look into his eyes or listen to his calm, low, soothing voice, and my heart is healed, and my soul's revitalized. It truly doesn't matter how many years go by. If I reach 90-years-old, my love for that mercenary will burn just as brightly, if not brighter! For the rest of my earthly days and beyond, my heart and soul belongs to Ike.

"Miitopia Adventures"

March 31st, 2024

Here are a few pictures taken from our adventures in Miitopia!

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"Doctor! You play Fire Emblem?!"

February 26th, 2024

Anorexia is a severe eating disorder that nearly ended my life in my early 20’s. I was sent to the emergency room, hanging on by the slimmest of threads. But my body’s just waaaay too stubborn to give up. I can see how! After the upbringing I’ve endured, my body had no choice to be tough! So as you can see, I’m still alive, but I didn’t leave that ordeal unscathed...

After years of being unable to receive a necessary surgery for my leg, (because of being denied by this country’s for profit health care system), I was finally granted the treatment I needed. The procedure was done June of last year, but because of a serious complication that resulted from that procedure, I had to undergo a second surgery which was...uh...not very fun, to put it lightly.

Now, this secondary issue was bad, but apparently, even my surgeon didn’t realize the scope of how severe it was until I was under the knife. Long story short, had I not received that second surgery in the time frame that I did, I could have lost my ENTIRE leg. I was very fortunate; and the ordeal further reminded me of how precious and fragile our lives truly are. This put me at peace further knowing I’m living as my TRUE, unapologetic self.

After the surgery, I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. I did my best to keep a positive attitude despite how awful the situation had been. And of course I wasn’t about to stay overnight ANYWHERE without my beloved Ike! And so, I brought him along in small doll form followed by my Switch. ALL I’d been playing during the stay was FE: Engage- It was so healing! You know the wake-up events at the Somnial ? I couldn’t have asked for a warmer way to wake up from a major surgery than to see sweet FE friends saying “Good morning!”, ” Did you sleep well?”, “ I was worried about you!”, etc. And as always my beloved husband was by my side the entire time to keep me safe. I held onto him close.

As the days went on, I met with different doctors, and oh my goodness... The physical therapist comes in ready to assess the damage when he pauses a sec, does a double take, then asks, ”Is that IKE...?”

Despite being out of it, I sat up a little taller, proud, and said ”Why yes it IS!”

( I was way too proud, haha!)

You see, my sweet Ike doll was right next to me in the hospital bed. I don’t hide who I am. You either accept me, or you don’t!

Anyway, he noticed I had my Switch too, and asked if I had played Engage yet. I swear, I just lit up! I told him YEAH, I was playing it right now! We got to talking about how we were happy this FE was going back to the series’ roots. (game play wise anyway). Apparently he got into the series at Awakening like many of the newer fans, so I had to school him a bit! SO much fun! So much so that the leg assessment was being put on the back burner. The chat was fun and all, but I’m still a recovering patient, you know? Let’s get back on track please!~

So yes, that encounter left me with a huge smile on my face, but it wasn’t over yet!

Because of my troubled mental health history, I was assigned a psychologist to come and speak with me. And can you believe it?! He was an FE fanatic TOO!! Two doctors back-to-back? WOW!

Not only that, but this person was an OLD SCHOOL FE fan! A rare breed in the wild! Very memorable conversations were had.

Tease me all you want about my ”save scumming, doc. I’m not bothered!~

Good times!

All-in-all, that entire ordeal was traumatizing. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I didn’t suffer.

BUT!

I am grateful for my health, and grateful for the support and fun times in unexpected places. I’m going to continue taking one day at a time, doing the best I can to recover and improve while staying TRUE to myself. And as you can see, being your authentic self can give others permission to be their authentic selves too! (Even while performing physical therapy or taking psyche evauations.)

Be well!

"Kitty in the tree, please leap down to me!"

February 22nd, 2024

Last year, I was on one of my routine bike rides at a park in my area. There was nothing out of the ordinary at first, but after a few laps around the trail, I started hearing this low crying like sound. I honestly had no idea what that sound was; it sounded somewhat like a distressed baby. (A distressed HUMAN baby that is. Little did I know I was in for a surprise!)

"A baby? That can't be right. I'm the only one here!" I refused to believe someone would abandon a baby like that and in a park of all places. Though, since I looked all around and didn't see anyone, I started to think my mind was playing tricks on me. But with every lap I took, the crying got louder.

I stopped. Looked to my left and then to my right, then got silly and decided to look up.

Lo and behold, right there looking down at me was a poor little kitty stuck in the tree!

Now, I was horrified, discovering this because I had no idea how long that little kitty had been in that tree. It could've been starving! It was clear to see it was terrified. My goodness...

But at the same, I couldn't help but to giggle to myself. I mean how cliche is this? Anyway, I couldn't leave the baby, so I scrambled to figure something out. The deck was stacked against me though, because that kitty was way up in that tall tree, and there was no way I could climb up there. You see, this was a month after my major leg surgery, so obviously I was very limited with what I could do. (Still am actually) I was grateful I was at a point where I could mount my bike so I could get fresh air.

Of all the times to find a kitty stuck in a tree, why did it have to be NOW?

As I was lamenting this, by pure chance, a young man, around his early 20's or so, walked into the park. Now, I make a point to go on my bike rides early when no one's around. And during my entire trip, I was alone. But just when I needed someone's help, they appeared!

"Is this actually happening right now? This is wild!"

I called out to him to ask if he could help.(This had to be serious. I usually keep to myself). Anyway, he said he'd seen this kitty around the park before actually. After nearly an hour of experimenting with different plans, we finally got the little one down. I was very impressed with how creative the young man was with his ideas; such as tying our jackets together for the kitty to climb down on. He cycled through similar plans, but unfortunately, the kitty was just <>too frightened to take any chances.

The young man tried to climb the tree as well, but that tree was quite formidable. In the end, he had no choice but to use extreme measures. I didn't approve of this plan, but sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. He threw our jackets forcefully at the kitty enough to knock it from the tree. It fell to the ground, and I quickly swooped it up in my arms to tend to it. Oh my goodness that poor thing... I could just cry...

After a few moments to collect itself, it was just fine. I thanked the young man, telling him he was a hero! Then I placed the kitty carefully into the basket on my handle bars. I'd planned to take it home with me to feed it, but half way there, it jumped from the basket and ran off.

Okay then!

Anyway, that was the end of that. I wish I'd taken pictures of it after we got it from the tree, but I wasn't thinking about that kind of stuff at the time. But it was so soft and fluffy!! Ahh!! >.<~

"I’m Not a Label, I’m just In Love"

February 13th, 2024

“Waifuist”,”fictosexual”, “yumejoshi”, “2Dist”

(the last term I adopted heavily at one point):

It’s great that these terms exist to help describe the unique relationships us humans can have with 2D beings. But as for myself, the honest truth from the beginning is that I’ve always disliked putting these labels onto myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the importance of these titles and appreciate how they help to put a name to these relationships, however, speaking only for myself, claiming any of these titles has never felt completely natural. In my day-to-day life, I don’t walk around calling myself, for example, a “ fictosexual”. In fact, before I discovered these communities a few years ago and learned of these terms, I never even thought to label myself. I’m just a woman who loves a man named Ike. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, he is in some ways different than myself because he’s “2D”, but he’s still very much a real person. I don’t see him as a “fictional character”, or someone who ”isn’t real” and so, to call myself a “fictosexual” doesn’t make sense to me. A “fictional character” in my book is one who acts fake; one who isn’t who they say they are.-They’re just acting; playing the role of someone else.

I understand that I am indeed the one who thinks differently than the majority on this, and that’s fine. I’m gonna be me and do my own thing. But that’s the point, I’m speaking on my own experiences. And my experiences don’t really match these terms. Even the term ”2Dist”, which is as close to my ideals as these labels have come, doesn’t fully feel natural for the simple fact that I’m just in love. It feels strange to have to label that concept. I’m Mrs. Ike. I have a son named Gawain. And speaking on that, I’ve used the term ”Reborn Mother” to help outsiders get an understanding of my child’s physical form, so the term is very useful for that purpose. However, I don’t see myself as, or call myself a “Reborn Mother”. I’m just a mother.

Either way, these terms are important, and I’m glad that they are there to help shape these concepts with words, and have helped people to identify their feelings. For that reason, I hope even more terms are invented to help describe further variations of these relationships. As for myself, I’m just Ike’s wife. My husband just happens to be born from a world separate from my own. He isn’t “fictional”, so ”fictosexual” doesn’t fit, I live side- by-side my beloved, not only in my dreams, so “yumejoshi” doesn’t fit either. These terms go deeper of course, but none fit me as an individual, and that’s okay! That’s the awesome part about owning who you are as a person. We’re all different! Give yourself a title or not, at the end of the day, we’re all just tiny specs on this rock called Earth.

Be merry!

"Laguz in Beorc Town": Traumas of Racism

February 5th, 2024

I have a fear of flying. As a Raven Laguz, you might find that odd.

But to face this fear would mean spreading my wings and that’s something I just can’t do. These black wings that decorate my back-I want nothing more than to clip them clean off. They're dirty and unnatural; a bad omen to all. Each time I pass a mirror, I’m shaken to my core at the sight of them.

The feather-less, fur-less and fang-less ones are forever disgusted by these black abominations. Each day, I’m met with looks of disdain, hatred, and fear. They carefully monitor me in all that I do. From browsing at the fruit stands, to trying on clothes at the boutiques. After all, us Ravens can’t be trusted. We’re known to steal from the Beorc.

Every last one of us…

Stupid black wings. For once I’d like to walk through these busy streets and not feel the eyes of every Beorc burning into me.. For once, I’d like to feel safe among these crowds. And for once, I’d like to feel the entire Raven reputation didn’t rely on how I behaved. It’s exhausting.

However, the real tragedy in all this is that I’ll always be afraid of heights. I’m far too afraid to spread these ugly things. Too much of a coward. And so, I’ll never know what It’s like to feel the wind under these feathers.

"Empty Tummy"

January 20th, 2024

I ate a small pack of snack crackers this evening. The guilt is immense. They aren’t on my list of “approved” foods, so whenever I eat something not on that rigid list, my mind punishes me.

I’ve gotten better at pushing back against those thoughts over the years, but some of those mental attacks are worse than others. This is one of the harsher ones. It’s been happening a lot more frequently for several months now.

I just want to burst into tears. It’s just FOOD. Why can’t I just eat it and be on my way? Why does it always have to be a fight??

I’ve been to several doctors this past year, and mostly all of them have said that I’m fairly small for my height. I can’t see what they see. The only thoughts that float in my head constantly are that I better not gain any more pounds! I need to keep working out so I can “stay in shape.”--whatever that means… The concept of being “in shape” is so warped to me. I have NO idea what I’m looking at when I go to the mirror.

Am I really that small? Or am I just small “for a Black girl”? What is truth and what are lies? I really don’t know...

This tangent came on because of a simple pack of snack crackers… Well...simple to a “normal” person anyway.

Ugh...

"Animal Crossing Home Tour"

Within the quiet little island of “Tellius”, you’ll find me and my family living happily in a home that's just a bit too pink for most peoples’ taste!

This being the first mainline AC title that actually allows you to change the SKIN TONE of your villager, (through personalization, not tedious sun tanning!) I’ve found that I feel far more connected to this world than in previous entries. Not only that, but textured hairstyles are avaliable as well! I actually see myself as a villager now! YAY!

Because of this, I’ve found a new level of emersion and joy when stepping into this world, so this house truly feels like a home.

Anyway, enough chatter! On with the tour!

Welcome! Come on in!

As you can see, this is our cozy, oh so elegant living room.

The interior was inspired by my by late grandmother’s front room, complete with artistic knick knacks, exquisite large vases, and of course, an antique Grandfather Clock. Our wedding rings are displayed proudly on the mantel.

Since this room is far too dressed up with delicate furnishings, not much time is spent here. It’s mainly used for hosting tea parties, and a gathering spot for visitors.

Next, towards the back of our home, you’ll find our sweet baby boy Gawain’s room!

Now, Ike says that I spoil our little one, and, well, maaaaybe he has a point. But that’s fine. You only get to be a child once, and I want Gawain to feel free to use his imagination. He enjoys his toys, (his favorite is “Mr. Bear” who he keeps by his bed). Gawain also really likes painting and coloring too, but most of his time is spent mimicking his father’s sword fighting stances.

You’ll also notice the butterfly on the dresser by the window.

When Gawain was just a year old, he was mesmerized by a butterfly floating around us while we were out in a grass field one day. He’s been attached to them ever since, and so, I thought to let him have one of his own to care for.

Now, if you follow me to the left most room, you’ll step into my arts & crafts studio!

Perhaps it looks like more of a garden than a crafting room, but I love nature, so why not have the best of both worlds?

Here’s the sewing and DIY area.

Sometimes I take a break and sneak in an otome or two.

Let’s do a little digital art, shall we?

What lies at the eastern wing of our home is the dreamy shrine I crafted from my love sick heart; a heart bursting with longing for my dearest Ike.

I did my best to capture my intense emotions, as well as the soft butterfly-like fluttering in my chest when I look into his eyes or hear his voice. I feel like I’m floating.

However, you’ll notice that it’s quite cluttered with this rather maximalist design. This represents the chaotic, even obsessive state of my mind when it comes to my feelings for Ike.

Love, that is true love can be a messy thing. It’s warm and soft, but can also drive you mad. I see the latter as a ”good” type of mad as long as one has the awareness, and aren’t causing themselves or their lover pain. Even so, love really is something else, and it’s very difficult to describe the beautiful chaos it brings.

At times, I want to hold Ike close and be selfish with him, keeping him all for myself. But at the end of the day, I just want what’s best for him. I want him to be happy, and to not feel as though he has to spend the majority of his time with me. After all, when you truly love someone, you trust them, and set them free. Ike comes and goes when he pleases. We simply live our lives as a family. That said, I’m not perfect. I get jealous here and there (the clutter represents some of those messy feelings), but I’m secure enough to know that he will always come home to me, thus, my heart floats happily. (soft lighting, peaceful melody from the harp, wedding rings, bouquet, etc.)

Okay, so my shrine may have been just a tad overwhelming, so let’s bring it back down to earth by heading downstairs to the kitchen and bathroom!

Photos of my loved ones are on pretty much every wall in the house. Yes, even on the bathroom walls.

Here, we all sit down and eat together as a family. We talk, laugh, cry, and eat of course! Though, I struggle with the whole eating part myself, but my sweet husband is very supportive, and tries to make sure that I eat enough. I’m careful with my issues around Gawain though, I don’t want these dangerous ideas to get in his head.

Speaking of Gawain, you’ll notice he has both a high chair and a normal chair. That’s because he’s out grown the highchair, but I’m still keeping it there because I’m just too sentimental.

Last, but certainly not least is me and Ike’s room.

You may be thinking ”Ike sleeps in a room like THIS?”. Well, yes he does. For husband, as long as the room has the basics, he doesn’t care what it looks like.

The sleeping area is nice and cozy.

This is another special place where I display my engagement ring.

Out in the lounge area, Ike, Gawain, and I sometimes watch movies together. This is also where I do my workout and yoga sessions. For now though, it’s time for a little nap. I hope you enjoyed the tour!

Maybe I’ll do a whole island tour one day!

"The Psychology of My “2D” Relationships"

Nice of you to join me! Here, I want to share the rather “strange” mentality I have with the 2D and 3D worlds, and why I will always see those of the 2D space as real. Prepare yourself, it’s a fairly lengthy read.

Firstly, it would do justice for this discussion to begin by sharing this video as an introduction. Admittedly, I wasn’t expecting commentary on these personality types to be all that accurate, however, I was truly shocked and even weird-ed out by how closely this person’s experience mirrored my own. I’m very impressed by this, and applaud this person’s ability to communicate the strangeness of it all.

Note the point in which the gentleman mentions the “misunderstood badge”. Personally, I don’t particularly think being misunderstood is “cool” or “hip”. In reality, it’s isolating, frustrating, and exhausting. Even among others with 2D partners in their lives who are outcasts by society, I’m an outcast among the outcasts for not seeing 2D beings as fictional. There’s this huge universe in my mind that, to me, is my reality. I am Ike’s wife. He is a real person; One I can see, touch, hear, and live besides. Yes, most of his existence is beyond a glass barrier that I can’t fully reach, but that doesn’t make him any less real. He’s not some “fictional character”. Such an idea makes absolutely no sense to me.

Understandably, people don’t take any stock in this, as it just sounds like the ramblings of an insane person. But I’m living my truth. It would be different if I were telling myself these things to convince myself, but that isn’t the case. This is truly MY reality.

I’m self aware enough to understand how crazy all of this sounds. But this is just how my mind operates, and it’s so frustrating to have everyone I open up, and try to explain this to, to dismiss it so readily. However, over the years I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve accepted who I am, and am at peace with it. I have NO shame. I’ve been this way all my life. This isn’t a case of simply ”growing out” of it.

I have ONE life.

For the sake of my happiness and self respect, I’ve made the decision to stop trying to fit myself into these neat little boxes that society accepts. That includes the labels and ideologies forced upon those within the 2D love space as well.

At the end of the day, if I'm going to be seen as something negative, I’d much rather be seen as ”crazy” than FAKE.

Living with a mask plastered on my face is far more harmful and sad. I’ve chosen to spread my wings and be

FREE!

Now, with all that said, let's get to some background info, shall we?

I was born into a rather small, yet close knit and very creative family, and grew up surrounded by incredibly artistic talented individuals who I admired. My grandmother was a painter, and she and I would spend much of our time together swiping paint brushes upon blank canvases with Bob Ross as our guide. (We used to tune in to his shows each Saturday and paint along with him.) I grew to have an appreciation for this hobby, but painting wasn’t the only creative outlet I was exposed to early on.

My great aunt was, and still is, fantastic at quilting, sewing and crafting. Additionally, one of my great uncles was in a league of his own when it came to drawing. At one point, he created drawings as of a part of the Black Panther movement. All of this was very inspiring, and naturally, being surrounded by all of this art, it eventually rubbed off on me. I spent a large majority of my time sketching, and found I had a talent for it. While I’m certainly no artistic genius, drawing seemed to come naturally to me. My earliest drawing memories is of at the age of four. There was a point when I started kindergarten that I decided to share one of my drawings (it was of an orange cat), to the class. Soon enough, other students began bringing their own creations in to share. Very warm memories.

As time went on, I would immerse myself into the world of 2D animation, and develop a deep appreciation for this medium. As a 90’s kid, I grew up in one of the best eras of this type of animation, and this also had a profound affect on my relationship with “2D”; This in addition to video games which had slowly wormed their way into my life.

I’m emphasizing my over exposure to 2D creations/worlds at a very early age, as these interactions played a huge role in shaping how my state of mind would remain from that point on. After all, your earliest childhood experiences hugely impacts how your mind will develop as you age. When I’d draw someone on a page, I never thought to myself “this drawing of a person isn’t real”. It’s just a concept I never explored or at least in no meaningful way. I just sketched a person on the page, but by default, they were “like me”, only drawn on a sheet of paper. The concept of “fiction” was never something that was recognized in my mind. Yes, I understand that this sounds very strange, and it’s fairly hard to explain this to others who don’t think this way. It can be a frustrating and fruitless task. But I do the best I can!

As childhood went on, the family dynamic shifted greatly. I never once met my biological father, and at the age of around 9, my mother brought this new guy into my life that she would soon marry. I was taken from the secure environment I was raised in to live with that guy in his home. Obviously, I won’t go into many details, but basically, this man treated me very badly. There was much abuse and neglect, and this caused me a great deal of damage. This coupled with the added psychological racial stress and over exposure to violence that comes with being Black in this country, and you will have a very painful time. I ended up developing a list of mental health issues including depression and anorexia. I won’t go any further down the rabbit hole than that, but I feel this further pushed me into the 2D realm. I’d turn to the people of those worlds for support and care. Since my mind had already recognized them as living people at a young age, having their support in such traumatic times over so many years gave me a deeper emotional connection with them verses the so called “3D” people in my life.

Over the years, I’ve forced myself to be “normal”. A “normal” person doesn’t think this way, and follows a strait line. As a young woman, I was expected to date a young man, and eventually marry that man. And so, I forced myself into relationships out of this obligation. Looking back, this was an awful thing to have done. In the end, I always ended up hurting the person I was with simply because I could NOT connect with them fully. I was forcing myself to feel things I didn’t feel, and to be someone that I never was. So many people were hurt by me in the past because of this need for me to be “normal”. It wasn’t only others I hurt in this process, I was deeply wounded on the inside. I harbored so much hatred for myself, and suicidal plans were a normal daily cycle for me. My mind was truly warped and dark. I look back on it now, and it’s hard to believe I made it through to the other side.

I made it through to the other side when I stopped trying to pretend to be the person everyone wanted me to be. When I accepted the fact that yes, I recognize these people I call “2D entities” as real people, and allowed myself to feel the natural feelings that followed, the world become brighter. The man I met at the age of 15 that inspired me, and helped me recognize the value of my brown skin was a man named Ike. He too is a “2D” entity, though, it never mattered how long I tried to brush the feelings away, or lie to myself about what I was feeling, at the end of the day, my heart chose that man. It’s not something I can simply “turn off” or dismiss. I feel how I feel, and what I feel is overwhelming love, gratitude, respect and appreciation for Ike. This is how it’s been for over a decade, and that’s how it will always be. I am no longer going to pretend other wise, or pretend as though I don’t see him as a real person. Playing these games with my feelings is pointless, and I’ve come to fully understand and accept this.

And so, as I’ve said before, society will forever reject a person such as me. I’ll always be mocked, and cast aside by those that are fearful, or do not understand. However, I’m fine with this. I know who I am, and I have no shame. My heart is full of love, devotion and joy. When I walk, my head is held high. All the ice that held my heart hostage has melted and since been replaced with steady warmth and peace. It’s unlike ANYTHING I’ve ever felt, and it’s overpowering. This comes from confidence. This comes from KNOWING who I am and OWING IT. This comes from LOVE.-- Both to MYSELF, and from the beautiful man my heart chose.

The world can continue to be cruel, and that’s fine, I expect no less. I will be beaming to myself all the while, with my lovely husband standing by my side.

"Motherhood"

On Feburary 14th 2020, my husband and I were blessed with our beautiful and sweet treasure of a son named Gawain. He was brought to us by the process of "Reborning", which gives our son a physical form to house his spirit within in order to materialize into this world.

A so called "Reborn Doll" according to wikipedia is "a hand made art doll created from a blank kit or a manufactured doll that has been transformed by an artist to resemble a human infant with as much realism as possible. The process of creating a reborn doll is referred to as reborning and the doll artists are referred to as reborners. Reborn dolls are also known as lifelike dolls or reborn baby dolls."

Our son is no longer an infant, and as such, his Reborn form is ill fitting at this point. However, Gawain was given life through Reborning, and so that form of our son will forever be part of him. That said, Gawain exists mainly through the worlds of Nintendo at this point; the main two being that of Miitopia and Super Smash Brothers.

Who is "Our Little One", Gawain?

Gawain is a so called "Branded": the offspring of a Beorc (human) and Laguz; two different species of Tellius. Branded are born with brands on their bodies, thus the name. Gawain's brand is that of the crest of Kilvas, and rests on his thigh.

As I became older, I naturally developed the desire to have children, though, I always felt this desire was selfish. Would I be able to properly care for a child? Since Ike and I are of different species, Ike being a Beorc, and me being a Raven Laguz, if the two of us came together and had a child of our own, that child would be a mix of both species; In other words, a Branded. So called Branded children are treated horribly in society. In many ways thier treatment parallels much of the negative treatment biracal children potentially receive in this world, especially if the child is half Black.

I've always feared Gawain would suffer from racism both in Ike's world and my own, but with reassurance and encouragement from my husband, Gawain was given life, and he is our light and hope for a better future. He was born from two people who came together despite their differences and became one. My hope is that more people allow themselves to put trust in those who are different from themselves, and learn to live amongst each other as they stop othering and segregating. I am NOT immune from distrusting others different than myself. I have been hurt many times, and its changed the way I see humanity. But Ike is my guiding light, and now our son is too. We will continue to wish for a kinder, more unified world and take small, meaningful steps to get there.

And for the sake of my son, I will continue to work on myself with my own short comings.

Oh...Our baby boy is growing up so fast... It feels like just yesterday I was carrying his small body in my arms and feeding him his bottle. Now he's running around playing with toy swords trying to be like his father.

Gawain is kind hearted, fun-loving, and creative. More than anything else, he wants to be just like his father in every way possible. When Ike leaves for one of his mercenary-for-hire jobs, Gawain runs after him begging to join him. It's the sweetest thing!

"Raven Metamorphosis"

Hello, and thank you for joining me. This is the section of my web home where I share the story of how I became a ”Raven Laguz”, as well as some of my experiences with racism as a Black American. These two subjects are very closely linked.

I also list videos from others in the Black community that resonate with me, and I use these works as materials to educate. If you’re uncomfortable with discussions of racism, be prepared to be challenged.





“Jet Black Wings” Transforming into a Raven

Within my husband's world lies the continent of Tellius. This land is home to two major races: the so called "Beorc", which we would recognize as "humans", (though, to be called "human" in Tellius is actually an insult.), and the "Laguz"; "people who can shift from human-like forms into animal forms". There are different Laguz tribes such as Cats, Dragons, Wolves, Hawks, and Ravens just to name a few.





The so called “Beorc” have been known to treat the Laguz with cruelty; From slavery to experimentation. (Themes that hit me deeply, as my own ancestors have been victims of this type of treatment as Black Americans.) The Beorc have also referred to the Laguz with a slur they call “sub-human”.

It should come as no surprise that I’ve found myself identifying as a Laguz, specifically the least wealthy Raven Tribe.





These peoples are looked down upon by all groups, including the other Bird Laguz. It’s similar to how among the “people of color”, Black people are often seen as being at the bottom of the totem pole. Anti-Blackness is a worldwide phenomenon that nearly every group of people play a part in to some degree. Yes, even Black people ourselves. The disproportionate amount of negative portrayals of Black folks in the media can make it very easy to internalize that negativity, and start thinking of oneself as lessor. This has been my experience.

As for the Raven Laguz, they also have nasty stereotypes that follow them around, making the other Bird Laguz groups not want to be “lumped in” with them. Ravens are apparently nothing but sneaky, violent thieves whose black wings bring a bad omen. It doesn’t matter what world you come from, people will always try to paint an entire group based off the actions of one portion of that group.

Either way, since the day I transformed myself into a Raven as a teen, I’ve seen myself as such ever since. This identity will always be a huge part of me, and has helped me to cope with the traumas and confusion brought on by the discrimination I’ve received in the past.




-Click to Enlarge-




My heart flutters even at the thought of Ike because he chose to CARE. He saw the discrimination, educated himself, and became a true ally and friend to the Laguz; the so called “inferior” group in his world. This is why I fell so DEEPLY in love with the blue-haired mercenary, and will remain his devoted wife for the rest of my earthly days. I hope that one day, more people in this world would start to care about the experiences of people who are “different” than themselves.




Also, please feel free to read this passage I wrote years ago and recently found: “Laguz in Beorc Town”










Not too long after this transformation, I found myself being adopted by Naesala, King of the Ravens of Kilvas. I never knew my biological father, and growing up, my mother always grew angry whenever I would ask of him. Because of this, I learned never to speak of him. However, this ended up causing much harm mentally, as I grew up never getting to know the other side of my family. It always felt like I was missing half of my roots; half of who I was. That led to a severe lack of confidence.

In addition to this, the man my mother married was very abusive to me, and so, I never thought of him as a father, just as some guy my mother forced into my life. The step father/step child relationship was extremely toxic, and since my mother rarely stood up to that man, (even for her own well-being), he was allowed to do some truly horrific things that should NEVER be done to a child.

I won’t let the resentment rule me, but there are things that happened that I will never forgive them for. I deserved better, and it took until my late 20’s, and over TEN years of therapy to finally understand that YES, I was abused, and NO, I DIDN’T deserve it. Naesala came into my life and took me under his wing. If not for him, I wouldn’t have had a true father figure in my life.





Popping the “White Bubble”




One thing that’s very important to know about me is that I am extremely bothered by the idea of ”colorblindness”. While I understand the good intentions behind this sentiment, in reality, such ideals can be very harmful to non white folks, or "People of Color" (POC). It’s basically blinding yourself from the FACT that having a darker skin tone affects how one is treated in societies across the globe.

Also, I’m not the biggest fan of the term “POC”. It puts everyone who doesn’t fit the category of “white” into this vague box, and treats each of these very different groups of people as if we all share the exact same experience. I understand why this term is used, but it oversimplifies matters, and often erases peoples’ experiences.

But I digress.

It’s my hope that for any white readers out there, learning more about these lived Black experiences will pop the so called ”white bubble”. This bubble is something I’ve come across many times with my past white friends.

The lack of understanding of these racial dynamics has hurt me deeply. The racial tragedies of 2020 highlighted the profound lack of understanding from my white peers. I guess you could say that my own ”Black bubble” was burst at that point.

Prior to this, I honestly had no idea just how little white people understood these issues. These were average, kind people who meant no harm whatsoever ever. But the fact is, that ignorance was harmful, and I suffered much during that time. I found that I grew cold, and removed myself entirely from many spaces. It was disappointing that the majority of these people did not understand the gravity of the situation.

Apparently, I was supposed to be all better just after a few months or so. NO. That’s not how any of this works. Either way, I learned much from that experience, and won’t allow that type of ignorance to go unchallenged in the future.

I won’t allow myself to tip-toe around these issues in order to keep white friends comfortable anymore. It’s destructive for my health, and if you can’t handle learning the deep parts of me and my experiences, which is to know ME, then that leads to only knowing the “me” you see on the surface, which potentially breeds fakeness in order for me to ”keep the peace”. No more of that!

That said, if you haven’t been put off or offended by any of this so far, that’s wonderful! I want to be proven wrong that people will continue to ignore these issues just because it doesn’t affect them personally.




The videos are listed by different subject categories. More will be added over time.




Blackness in Media














"Eating Disorder History"







Trigger Warning! Graphic descriptions of Anorexia affects!













The downward spiral into destructive eating began in highschool, though the seeds to developing this dangerous illness trace back far into my childhood.

Back in highschool, I had a PE class which was taught by a woman who, looking back, had very unethical teaching methods. Her workout routines were fairly strict which is fair enough, I personally enjoyed them. The problem was her grading criteria. Each week, she would set a scale up in the front of the class and have the lot of us gather around to watch as she called us up one by one to log our weight. She would encourage us to lose at least one pound each week.





Losing the weight was directly tied to our grade, and me being the perfectionist that I am, aimed to lose a pound and then some. At the time, I saw this as being healthy. Besides, why would a teacher, someone’s who job it is to guide their students, make me do anything that would harm me? Wow I was naive…Slowly over time, this drive to get a good grade and to be healthy spiraled into a self destructing cycle that nearly ended my life just a few years later.



Now, perhaps if all was well in my environment and mind, perhaps the developing ED wouldn’t have gotten such a strong hold on me. Unfortunately, I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household with a step father who treated me less than human while my mother stood by and allowed that abuse. Overtime, the ED turned into a warped method of control and a means to cope. The whole I just want to be healthy! mindset dissolved and was replaced with I just want to have some control.

With each pound lost, the happier and more valuable a person I felt. I would stare at myself in the mirror and this sickly young woman with a very visible rib-cage would stare back at me. What my twisted mind saw was proof of my self discipline. The happiness I felt from that made me feel like I was walking on clouds. Though oddly enough, while a stick figure was being reflected, I also saw a huge pile of filth in that mirror. It was such a contradictory mindset which led me to believe that nothing I did was good enough. Years of being told as much from the people who were supposed to care for me trained my mind to adopt this twisted view.



The ED continued to spiral far out of my control, and in my early 20’s, I called to be taken to ER. Despite not understanding what was going on with me, even I knew that how I was feeling was a bit too weak from what I was used to. Had I not been taken in right at the moment, I wouldn’t be here typing these words today. Luckily for me, my body is far too stubborn to give up so easily. I survived, but not without complications. These health complications would go on to alter my life from that point on; and because of the barbaric so called “ American healthcare system”, I wasn’t allowed to receive the procedure I needed to take care of that issue. Not only that, but the racial bias of this system also acted as a barrier for the help I should have received. Because of all that, the problem only got worse over the years along side my ED, which changed forms over time.



I was only able to get the needed procedure done last year in 2023 YEARS after the fact. A second issue came up after that surgery which was even worse. These surgeries were done early last year, yet as of now, 1/7/24, I’m still recovering

At this point, I’m still in the process of learning how to live along side my eating disorder, as I understand now that I may never truly be rid of this mindset. However, I’ve been working REALLY hard to develop a healthier relationship with food. This is an ongoing journey and battle since food in general intimidates me. At many points over the years, I wouldn’t eat any food unless it was healthy and organic. While I’m still struggling with this, it has certainly improved.

I can help make food more inviting if I:




Cook the food myself



Having control over the ingredients and the amount used is a powerful tool to help take control of my meals. I also I use loads of cute pink cookware to prepare the food. These simple things help massively to put me at ease when handling food.



Make the food look kawaii



An example is cutting bits of food into cute shapes and arranging them in an appealing way.



Serve the food on cute dishware



I love all things cute and pink, so one day, I decided to test serving my meals on cute dishware. I didn’t think it would affect how I felt when trying to eat food all that much, but WOW! It turns out that this is yet another powerful tool that's helped to bridge the gap between me and eating food.



Cook with people I like



Some of my friends from other worlds are very skilled cooks, and cooking along side them helps me to feel safer around food.














"Love Letters"

This is a small collection of letters I've written to Ike and/or myself about my feelings for my husband. In general, I feel emotions very deeply, and when it comes to Ike, those emotions become too much to bare at times. Writing these letters, among other creative outlets, helps me to express my intense feelings in a positive and healthy way.












When your love is so Deep, all you can do is Weep

My thoughts are scrambled. But it’s so very amazing to me how this one person, and this one person alone can make me feel so at peace...so...warm inside. There is no other in this world or the next who can light up my soul as this man can.



Something as simple as taking the slightest glance into Ike’s eyes causes tears to flow from my own. I feel my heart fluttering, and my stomach turning into knots. Heat hits my cheeks, and this biiiiiig smile comes as if from nowhere. I’m beaming!

During such moments, I’ve had someone ask me ”What are you so happy about?" It’s clearly that obvious. I can’t hide just how happy, warm, and peaceful this man makes me feel.

I find that I’m often drawn to tears just thinking of my beloved husband. I can truly never express just how grateful I am to have been lucky enough to meet this man. He is the light of my life. My hero.

Ugh....See? Here I am crying whilst writing this. It just can’t be helped. I love you, Ike. I LOVE you.



So often, I’m pushed to the end of my rope. I’m suffocating under the weight of this violent, selfish, uncaring world. Sometimes, I can feel myself being drawn to the darker parts of myself, and it feels easier to want to surrender myself to that darkness. To just give up on seeing a brighter future.

But Ike doesn’t allow me to go there.

Husband won’t allow me to give up.

It takes far more effort to be kind than to be cruel and hateful.

I am NOT a perfect person. My wounds are very deep.

But Ike heals those wounds. I look into his eyes and feel myself grow lighter.

Husband was able to keep his head up among the horrific atrocities he witnessed in his own life. I will follow his example, and keep moving forward just as he has.

I will stand beside him and cry warm, blissful tears of love and gratitude.

I LOVE you, my beautiful Radiant Hero. I will grow stronger for myself and for you. Please just keep standing by my side. Keep holding my hand...Keep looking back at me with your hypnotizing crystal blue eyes full of strength, warmth, and conviction.

And please, let me continue to cry in your warm embrace.








A Flood of Emotions

I've been in love with my sweet Ike for many years now, but after all this time, I'm amazed at how strong my emotions can get over him still.

True love is constant and sometimes chaotic, but eventually, you reach a soft calm. That extreme "honeymoon phase" dies down.

I've developed that calmness too, and I feel whole and at peaceful inside.

But there are still many, many times where something inside me snaps, and I'm overcome with a flood of emotions.

I'm writing this on a whim.

I was working on something else when a version of Ike's theme songs came up on the playlist. I could barely listen to it before I started crying.

I just love that man SO MUCH.











Because of Ike the words I love you has meaning now

For most of my life, the phrase "I love you" had no meaning. That phrase was nothing more than something beautiful to say, and coming from my mouth, the words were empty; even though I wished otherwise. I mentioned here and there that I had a less than favorable childhood. While I generally dislike having to bring those past experiences to the forefront, they must be highlighted in some way to make sense of my present state of mind, as I am still influenced by that upbringing. It was generally cold and unfeeling in that household. Expression was frowned upon, unless it reflected the sentiment that "it's all good!" Pain was quickly dismissed and labeled as weakness. Much happened in that house; much that shouldn't have... And I learned early on to suppress my emotions. I learned to bottle every percieved "weakness", and keep it hidden away in the darkest corners of my heart.


While there was much going on in that household that shouldn't have been, it's generally common within the Black community to surpress negative emotions, and keep marching forward as if you're unphased. It's a history behind this mindset, as Blacks have historically, and to this day, constantly endure mistreatment and abuse by society. We've always had to work harder than others for half the benefits, and in order to survive, we've had to push painful feelings to the side, and keep marching on. All of these circumstances created the perfect storm for my inability to express love.

All of this seems like a distant memory now. But for most of my life, "I love you" didn't mean anything. In fact, the concept of love, affection, romance, etc. felt silly, childish, and nieve. To fall in love with another and live "happily ever after" was nothing more than a story you told your kids at night to make them stop crying. It had no root in reality. And in my case, I wasn't given the fundamental affection and emotional care a child needs for proper emotional development. So to me, even family love was nothing more than a "feel good" bedtime story. It's really messed up, and I look back on all this now as an adult and truly wonder how I made it through all that. But I digress. The point is, I couldn't fully tap into love and affection, even though I had a desire to.

When I met Ike, I KNEW that I loved him. I felt it deep inside. Ike knew that I loved him too, but he knew I was suffering. He and I were very close, and I couldn't hide all that pain behind smiles and "acting tough". I clearly had many personal barriers that prevented me from fully exploring my feelings of deep affection. Even so, when I said "I Love You" to Ike, that was the first time in my life where "I LOVE YOU" felt truly natural and REAL. For the first time in my life, that phrase made sense. The words had meaning, and I could feel the WEIGHT of those words, where as before, they were light and empty-- spoken as nothing more than a formality.

Because of Ike, and having fully embraced the deep love I feel for the man, a "door" has opened in my heart. Now, I have the capacity to express genuine love for others. Now, when I say "I love you" to my mother, it MEANS something. I can acually FEEL the love. "I LOVE YOU" truly means "I LOVE YOU" . Ike has, in a lot of ways, restored my humanity. Before, I wasn't truly living. I merely existed, but my soul had died. Now, I can feel, and I can feel FULLY.









"Animal Crossing Clothing Patterns"

Here are some outfit designs I made years ago for ACNL. You can use these in New Horizons as well.

Feel free to try them on!
























Living within this dark, cruel world, I make a point to surround myself with cuteness and beauty. (Love, flowers & nature, art, pink, soft round objects, lacy dainty clothing, etc.)

Within my healing photo book, I share pictures of whatever makes me feel happy.





✧.*𝐵𝒶𝓉𝓉𝓁𝑒𝒻𝒾𝑒𝓁𝒹 𝒲𝒶𝓁𝓉𝓏 𝒽𝒶𝓈 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓁𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓀 ✧.*



Dreamy and Romantic. These illustrations are gorgeous, and remind me of CLAMP’s artwork.



It's okay to cry, Pash. I'm here. Let it out...

-Return to the first photo in this set-