✧New writings every Sunday unless I have nothing to say. *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

"Stories & Simple Things"

November 17th, 2024

After taking the time needed to come to terms with the results of this election, and the dangerous times ahead, it seems that something has ”snapped” inside me. “Snapped“ in a good way, mind you.

I wrote before about how I’ve become highly motivated to keep pushing forward to try making a difference. Well, apparently this motivation’s extended to my creative side as well.

For a long time, years really, I’ve developed many stories in my mind. From these stories, beings were created, and have made a home inside the depths of my consciousness. These beings have become their own people, and live their own lives. I witness them go about their lives as I sleep at night or daydream. I’ve been wanting to materialize these people into this 3D world, and record their stories as they share them with me. But most of the time, I find this difficult because I put such an unrealistically high standard on myself for whatever it is I’m trying to do. If I fall short of that standard, I feel that I’ve failed completely. I don’t want to fail these people, so I don’t bother taking the first step. This is an issue that plagues me in many areas of my life actually…

Anyway, life is too short, and I need to allow myself to take bolder steps. And so, I’ve decided just go for it, and tell one of these stories as an otome! I’ve called it ”The Bell Maiden’s Lament”.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a visual novel. For this, I’m using Renpy since I used it back in the day. This was in my early 20’s, so it’s been quite some time; I’m basically brand new to the program at this point. I’m gonna have fun learning how to code with for Renpy whilst bringing the friends I’ve met in my mind to life!

Something else I’ve been playing around with is Ai art. Now, up to this point, I’ve never really messed with it since I’m against the harm it could cause artists. However, since I’ve allowed myself to experiment with it, my stance has changed. I’ve been using it as a resource and adding my own details to the drawings (mostly to the eyes) and MAN I'm having a lot of fun! And that’s what it’s all about: joy!

The Story

On an isolated island where mystical flowers grow, lives a young woman named Lily. As this island society’s Bell Maiden, it’s her role to perform the “Bell Rite”- an age old tradition stemming from worship of the divine Bell Flower.

For generations her ancestors have performed the rite without question, but cracks within their sacred traditions are starting to show. Now, Lily is battling a whirlwind of confusion and doubt. Just what dark secrets lie beneath those vivid flower gardens?

You stand in the opulent chamber of your ancestral mansion, the early morning light streaming through the stained-glass windows, casting a warm glow over the intricate floral tapestries that adorn the walls. Your heart beats a steady rhythm in your chest, a counterpoint to the distant toll of the cathedral's bells, signaling the start of the preparations for the Bell Rite. Your mother, her eyes filled with a mix of pride and solemnity, approaches you, her silk garments whispering against the marble floor. "Lily," she says, her voice a gentle crescendo, "today is your day to honor our divine legacy. Remember, the fate of our beloved island rests upon your delicate hands." She presses a small pouch filled with Bell Flower seeds into your palm, her hand trembling slightly. You nod, the weight of your duty as the Bell Maiden heavy on your shoulders, but the whispers of doubt and curiosity linger in the air, as palpable as the scent of the garden outside. "Mother," you reply, a hint of apprehension in your voice, "I will not fail our people or the gods." Yet, the nagging sense that there's more to this ceremony than you've been told tugs at the corners of your mind like the persistent vines of the garden's lesser blooms.

Practical, has a strong sense of justice, stoic, gets embarrassed surprisingly easy.

Optimistic, dutiful, highly religious, kind-hearted to a fault.

Cynical, nihilistic, highly intelligent, also really flirty!

(These bios were fun to put together!)

So yeah, as you can see, since I REALLY love flowers, this whole world came to exist in my mind. Now, I’m not guiding the flower boys’ stories myself, they’re telling the story. I’m just recording it for them. Though, I’m just choosing to record it in a creative way, and that’s by turning it into an otome!

I have no idea if I’ll share this with the world or not since I doubt there would be any interest, but who knows? I’m just going to have fun with it!

Lastly, I wanted to share a few simple things that’s brought some light to my heart:

This morning while I was doing my weekly grocery shopping, a woman called out to me and told me how happy my outfit made her feel.

I was wearing a pink fairy kei inspired outfit. This is fairly standard for me, but unusual for most people to see during their day, so I’m used to getting strange looks most of the time. But there are times when people approach me and tell me that my clothes put a smile on their face. I understand this because that’s why I wear these types of clothes too. I feel they outwardly represent how I feel inside, and the cuteness of these clothes makes me feel happy. If I can spread that happiness to others just by taking up a little space somewhere like a grocery store, I take pride in that. It’s such a simple thing, but goes a long way.

Also, it was a little chilly out this morning, so I wore the super cute scarf my neighbor crocheted for me last year. This is the same neighbor I mentioned sharing the Halloween candies with. She’s such a sweet old lady. I think of her as a grandmother figure, and I love her very much!

When I went to Five Below the other day I found the most adorable decor there. Oh my goodness!!

Look at this? Isn’t this the cutest!?? It’s actually a dessert display platter, but I decided to use it to prop up some of the items on my desk.

They had lots of Christmas decor out and I found this little pink “joy” ceramic. This is a great message year round, so that’s why I scooped it up.

The last cute thing I found was this little bow shaped jewelry box. Oh my goodness y’all are KILLING me with this! Ahh!! So adorable!

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough. Remember to be kind yourself and do your best to create your own happiness!

˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ ︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵ ˚ ༘♡ ·˚ ₊˚ˑ༄ؘ

"Time for a Healing Buff ♥*♡∞:｡.｡⋆"

November 10th, 2024

Today, I wanted to take some time to honor my role as a "Healer Class" and put out some positivity and encouragement into the cosmos.

However before I do this, just as my beloved Ike is blunt and honest with his words/feelings, I'm going to follow his lead and express myself with just as much honesty.

I am TRULY hurt and disgusted with the aftermath of this election. While I'm not surprised by its outcome, having the little bit of faith I put in society be betrayed so thoroughly has left a scar on my soul. Now, while this has wounded me, the pain isn’t as deep as it could have been had I not grown as a person.

Over the years, I've come to understand the reality of how deep the racism, cruelty, and indifference that’s baked into this society is. By default, I don't expect most people to have general kindness and concern for others to be their main driving motivation for their actions. It seems as though most people will opt for the self serving path forward even if that path is toxic to others, while giving very little thought and consideration for the bigger picture and greater good. We are arrogant and short sighted, with little imagination or concern for the future consequences of our selfish, destructive actions.

And so, while I stand here watching the world slowly burn, I take a breath, roll up my lacy pink sleeves, and get ready to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

This Black Raven girl is far too stubborn to give up. I will NEVER give up. And I won’t let you give up either.

If there’s one thing the love of my life has instilled in me since I was a young teen, it was the fact that you MUST keep pushing forward.

Keep fighting and never give up no matter the set backs, no matter the pain, no matter how dire and hopeless the situation. If you decide to just throw up your hands and tap out, you LOSE. At that point, there’s no hope for ANY change. There’s NO sight of victory.

Yes, you’ll become exhausted and want to lay down to rest for awhile. Black folks know this exhaustion better than anyone. Period. But it’s one thing to close your eyes for a quick HP recovery, and another entirely to close your eyes from this mess all together. No, you’re BETTER than that. If you need a reminder of that, I’ll give it to you:

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK.

Sure, perhaps these words sound far too fluffy and idealistic. I get it. It’s hard to hold onto such words when humans keep proving how selfish, violent, and uncaring they are. Humans are ignorant, destructive, and in a lot of ways, useless. My mother often laments on the idea that humans are wasted potential. She often says “just think of what we could have been.”. So much missed potential because of how limited and flawed we are. Humans could have been so much further along in discoveries and amazing feats if we weren’t so stupid that we come up with, and hold on to idiotic ideas such as other members of our species somehow are biologically less intelligent because they have a darker shade of skin. Or if one doesn’t subscribe to the religion of the majority, or a step further, no religion AT ALL that something’s wrong with that individual, and their now worthy of being cast aside in society. Seriously, how stupid are we? Humans, you okay??

Back to the point, again, yes, I understand that being given an “encouragement buff” ♥*♡∞:｡.｡⋆ with flowery words may seem useless, but I disagree. I personally feel that it’s very important to tell yourself that YOU matter, and your ACTIONS matter. It matters if you decide to throw your hands up and run away from this mess, or if you choose to sleep a bit, then dust yourself off for the next battle. I know my role on the battlefield. That role is to heal the hurting hearts of others; to give them a “buff” by listening to their problems and giving them a smile to help keep them going. My role is to keep making the small, yet important positive actions that help build society up, not tear it down. I’m not perfect, but this is what I aim to do as best I can.

I’m NOT going to let you give up. I’m far too stubborn to give up on you, whoever you are. You’re AWESOME. And hey, if you’re not awesome, start putting in the work to become awesome. Get up, and get to work! You can DO this! Be kind to yourself.

As much as my dear husband believes this, because of all that I’ve seen and gone through, I can’t honestly say that I believe this sentiment in my own heart.

What I believe is that the majority of people are either too selfish or too indifferent to the darkness of society, and so, it’s up to those who do care to pick up the slack. So, if you’re someone who cares about others, who cares about the awful things happening in the world and want others to be happy and safe, it’s your job to take any action you can to make this floating rock a better place for everyone.

How can you go about doing this? Well, maybe thinking of it in RPG terms can help:

What class are you?

Maybe you’re the “Warrior” who goes out into the front lines of protests to protect your comrades from harm.

You could also be the “Tactician”, one who organizes and strategizes for the cause, deciding when the best time to take action is, and how to go about it.

Or hey, you could also be the “Cleric” like myself. As a healer, you aid others by keeping peoples' spirits from breaking and healing their wounded hearts with love and consideration. If you see that your comrades are burnt out and tired, be there for them, and lend them emotional support. Brew tea for them, or give them a warm blanket. Let them know that they’re allowed to yell, scream, and cry, and that you’ll be there to lend them a shoulder for their tears.

Those are just a few examples, but the point I’m trying to make is: don’t feel that you have no power. Play to your strengths and act with intention. No one is capable of saving the world on their own. Gather your party, and head for the fight together. You BETTER not give up!!

Don’t let ANYONE steal your joy!

Now, if none of my ramblings helped cheer you up, then this pic of cute Sympathy Kiss business boys smiling should do the trick! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

"It’s not Halloween that scares me..."

October 31st, 2024

Apparently Halloween's supposed to be scary. But honestly, what’s truly frightening are the amount of people who aren’t engaged with what’s going on in society and aren’t taking this upcoming election seriously.

But before I go off into a depressing tangent, I’m going to share some of my cutesy Spooky Day activities! Because hey, we gotta enjoy life!

Here's the spooky goodies I made for my family and next door neighbor!

I just love cooking and baking. Making homemade chocolates is especially fun.

While I don't usually eat much of my treats myself, I enjoy wrapping them up all cutesy-like to give to others. You'll find me spending hours scouring the local dollar store for ribbons and other themed props to create adorable packaging designs.

Now, you can't have Spooky Day without spooky themed games!

9 R.I.P. came out this month for Halloween, so as far as gaming goes, most of my attention’s been on this spooky otome.

Halloween with romance on top? YES!

Sign.

Me.

UP!!!

(✿◠‿◠)

When playing otomes, I generally go in blind and don’t use walk throughs, so I experience the journeys as they naturally play out from my own raw choices. (for better of for worse)

It’s exciting and romantic, but I can’t help but to feel on edge the entire time for fear of letting the men down in some way.

That said, my adventure the first time around lead me to walking down the path with a spirit named Sena. What an absolute sweet heart he was! And as expected, I cried my eyes out the whole way through. Man, I’m just way too sensitive. ༼☯﹏☯༽ I can’t play otomes without my trusty box of tissues on standby!

Ultimately, the journey with Sena ended very well. I’m SO glad he’s safe and happy. Though, it’s going to be a little while before I replay. My emotions get super intense playing otomes, so I usually take a self care break before playing again. Even more so if things turned out badly. (Speaking of which, I haven’t been able to return to Piofiore in months. Still haven’t recovered from the trauma!)

Anyway, 9 R.I.P.’s been a blast so far. You should give it a try if you’re curious. Help the ghost boys out!

Give them tender love and care!

That's not all as far as otomes go though. There are so many romance games out there, and I’m slowly taking my time to explore them. I seek them out and play them at my own pace, so I tried another one out too. This one called ”Yukar From the Abyss".

As I’ve said, I generally go in blind, only seeking the bare minimum information to determine if it’s an otome I think I’ll enjoy genre wise. The research stays within the pages of the game’s official website, no fan related writings. Because of this, I’m out of the loop and late to the party on a lot of topics, but I prefer it that way. “FOMO” isn’t something I struggle with. The less outside chatter, the better. This makes my gaming experiences (as well as other experiences of mine) more enjoyable. But that’s just me! Everyone’s different.

Anyway, I’m glad I stumbled upon Yukar From the Abyss. It definitely has some chilling themes that go along with the spirit of Halloween. It got my heart pumping and the tears flowing! (Though, it doesn't take much for the tears...)

Of course, I had no idea what to expect, and it seemed I got kidnapped by a God/Demon named Moshirechik (who I named “Moshi” for short)

Apologies for the spoiler, but Moshi takes the form of a bird! Ahh! I love birdies! >.< (He isn't the only bird either!) There was a point where I literally stopped to take time out to research different species of birds I wasn't familiar with and their habitats in order to make sure that I helped Moshi properly. That wasn’t something I expected to get out of this, but I loved everyone minute of it! Birds fascinate me, and I learned some new things! Turns out that the extra effort paid off too. And even though the circumstances of our meeting were…dark… I got soooo attached. I just wanted to help him! Stop making me cryyyyy! ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

And of course, we must celebrate Spooky Day in Animal Crossing!

I found this adorable Halloween themed succulent a few weeks ago!

I added the tiny potion bottle, spell book, and wand, as well as the glitter and 9 R.I.P card for extra flair!

Now, I’m just gonna vent a little bit here otherwise I’ll lose my mind...

The amount of so called ”undecided” folks and the general disregard for the consequences of this presidential election should the outcome be a bit more red than what this country can handle is terrifying...

For someone like myself who’s nearly exclusively living in my own head and feeling so little connection to others and society at large, I find it both fascinating and pathetic at the amount of people who don’t understand or care about how dire the issues facing this country are. But a chick like me who most people see as "crazy" and "delusional" is somehow more concerned with these dark realities. Seriously though, what's that about?

Whether it’s an election year or not, I’m constantly consumed with thoughts over the long, dirty laundry list of this society’s issues. I go down these twisted rabbit holes struggling to comprehend the chaos of it all, but desperately hoping to find some kind of answer as to why we live within a parody. This badly written fan fiction titled ”Modern American Politics”.

After learning this the hard way years ago, I came to terms with the fact that I cannot save the world. But EVERY action matters. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant that action may be. And so, I make an effort to do SOMETHING.

Obviously I make my voice heard by voting. But there are many small daily actions that may not seem to matter in the grand scheme, but can still have an affect on someone in that moment and cause a ripple affect. I’d rather make more small positive actions than negative ones. Whether that’s to make cute candies to give to my neighbor, sign a petition, or give a random person in the street a smile. These small actions can go further than one may think, so again, it’s worth the effort to do something.

That said, I’m no hero, nor am I morally superior. I’m just some Black chick who’s screaming into the void.

In fact, I’m a walking contradiction.

I have this deep, heartfelt, almost self destructive drive to help people because I hate when others are suffering. I want to do something to take their pain away. To help them feel seen, heard, included, and cared for. But at the same time, the world is filled with selfish, narcissistic, destructive, and bigoted individuals who so often avert their eyes from injustices and go about their day. I get that no one person can solve all that troubles this floating blue rock, but why do so many average, generally decent people just throw their hands up and not care at all about the wrongs of the world?? I just don’t get that. Like, this stuff doesn’t weigh on your mind all the time? I’m not a squeaky clean saint myself and have my faults. (One example being the infamous “INFJ door slam”. I’m guilty of this, and have been working to better my emotional state and boundaries.) Even so, I work to keep improving as a person and to do the right thing as much as possible.

Anyway, because of these feelings, I’ve come to despise humanity and want very little to do with the outside world, yet still want to help folks. It’s like... How does that even work? It causes all kinds of confusion and chaos in my mind to add to the confusion and chaos I’m subjected to from the world on a daily basis.

Because of the craziness thrown from every direction I’m frightened year round, not just on Halloween. But that’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s how you handle the fear. Do you hide? Or do you face your fears and move forward? I’m still working on myself. I’m somewhere in between.

But anywaaaaaay... I'm done talking now. Go eat your yummy treats.

Happy Halloween!

"Sins of a Healer: A Secret Sadist"

October 15th, 2024

I am a healer.

When someone’s in pain, I rush to their aid to take their pain away. Seeing others hurt in turn, hurts me. I can feel it inside my heart. The pain echos through out my very being and pushes me to act. It can be a bit extreme at times, but ultimately this is a trait I’m grateful to have an abundance of. After all, humans should have empathy for others. But below this loathing of seeing others hurt lies a twisted contradiction. A sadistic fetish that’s had a dark hold on me since a young child.

That pained expression on your face is beautiful...

Your cries of agony are so sweet...

Here it comes...that sick feeling of satisfaction, and a shy, yet giddy smile worming its way across my face. What an absolute monster I am. A mockery of a healer.

Oh, but the satisfaction is short lived... It’s tangled within an intense feeling of distress. How can I allow this?? This person is hurting!! I need to HELP THEM!!! DO SOMETHING! I DON’T WANT THEM TO HURT!! Here I am crying and smiling?? How do you move forward from something like that? What should I do in this moment?

This unfortunate kink has caused much stress over the years, and I’ve evaluated myself many times to better understand this mindset. And while I’ve come to understand myself better over time, I’m not proud to have this be apart of me. But I am NOT a saint. I have demons just as much as the next gal. But how did it all start?

The core of this kink stems from the fact that I deeply respect people who’ve gone through a lot of suffering in their lives. When I see the pained expressions of someone I adore I think of ”struggle” and “perseverance”. The combination of those elements are soooooo attractive to me. I see the pain they're enduring as a sign of their strength to overcome. I won’t lie though. Because at the same time, their moment of weakness and vulnerability makes me feel a strong sense of power and control. I don’t think these observations are too ground breaking or "out there", but the profound stress it causes me is noteworthy. Enjoying another person’s pain is vastly removed from my general nature. But again, I’m no saint. For example, I don’t have much sympathy for people who cause a great deal of suffering for others. (like certain political leaders...) If they were to be hurt, you wouldn’t see me shedding many tears for them. Feel free to judge all you like.

Anyway, how can I become so distressed by seeing someone hurting that I literally become ill at times, yet at the same time feel this warped satisfaction at the sight of gritted teeth, eyes wincing in pain, and cries of agony? And again, these feelings only come up when it’s someone I’m very attached to, but I feel that’s even worse! Why on EARTH would I want to see someone I care for hurting? Ughhhhhhhhh.........! It makes me really not like myself...

What is WRONG with me??

WHY AM I LIKE THIS!???

I’M TERRIBLE!!!

When I’m having these moments, I often scream this type of stuff inside my head, or bash myself out loud. Seriously, what am I doing here?

Now, the earliest I can recall of my fascination with seeing someone I adore express pain was way back when I was 10 playing LoZ: Ocarina of Time.

OOT Link is one of my earliest close 2D entity friends. As a child, I was starry-eyed when I saw him breathing heavily in exhaustion, or struggling to get out of a Redead’s deadly choke hold.

His unique ”EEEEEYAAAAH!!!!!!” scream sent me over the moon! Though, no matter what, he kept pushing through the pain. It’s safe to say that these early experiences set the ground work for how I am today. I had developed this fetish before I even knew what a ”fetish” was. It only became more pronounced as I got older and suffered more myself. I was suffering together with those I loved.

Super Smash Bros. made it very easy for me to spend time with those I cared for and also watch them get hurt. All of the violence was done in a child-friendly way, which is a huge reason why I didn’t fully make the sadistic streak connection until later on in my adult life. Since I’ve been with that series since the original in 1999, those experiences are deeply rooted into me. Speaking of Smash, my poor beloved husband hasn’t been able to catch a break from me in this regard... I literally have thousands of snapshots from SSBU alone of husband wearing absolutely breathtaking pained expressions... As guilty as I feel....to the point of wanting to punish myself.... I just can’t help but to stare at him in awe. My heart always leaps out of my chest. It’s just too much!!!

This is a custom floor mat I made a few years ago.

...I have an entire photo album dedicated to pictures of my lovies’ suffering faces.... Umm...yeah....Not really something to brag about though...(っ- ‸ - ς)

My emotions usually go back and forth and get all wrapped up together like this:

So yeah, there you have it. While this isn’t something I’m particularly proud of, it’s an honest and very real part of what makes me me. A twisted contradicting mindset that both tears my heart to pieces, and also makes me blush... It’s been fascinating to explore and analyze myself to fully understand where this comes from, and in doing so, it’s helped me to grow. And even with this selfish part of myself, it doesn’t come in the way of my true calling and duty of being a healer.

"Amnesiacs in Love: The love story of Lucas and Indigo" (Part 1)

October 9th, 2024

It’s been a couple years since Rune Factory 5 came out, but I’ve finally gotten around to playing it this summer!

I chose the male ranger and renamed him ”Indigo”. On that day, part of my mind was housed deep within his consciousness. From that point, my thoughts would merge with his, affecting some of the decisions and relationships he’d have living in Rigbarth.

To merge your mind with another is a huge responsibility, as you have the potential to heavily manipulate their behavior. In some ways, you’re playing God. Because I understand the weight of this, I had to learn who Indigo was as a person first, so that I wouldn’t project too much of myself onto him potentially contradicting his nature.

Such a task is quite the balancing act, and while I’ve done my best not to interfere too much, some elements couldn’t be avoided; mainly the fighting. I take no joy in fighting. On the rare times I must deal damage, it never feels good. I’m at my best when I’m healing and supporting others-it’s who I am. So in this case, Indigo had to permanently retire his sword to become a pure healer. Luckily, he has wonderful monster allies and loving friends willing to lend their strength!

But enough of this, let’s get to the fluffy love story!

Since Indigo had shifted his focus to using magic for healing, he often found himself frequenting the Crystalabra magic shop. After Lucas moved into town and began working at the shop, Indigo would naturally find himself speaking to the amnesiac God quite a bit.

The owner, Heinz, can be quite the slacker. Because of this he’s rarely at the shop, meaning Lucas is pretty much always the first face Indigo would see when he visited. This was how their relationship began to bloom.

Indigo and Lucas would spend hours talking to each other about a wide number of topics.

Since Lucas is so well read, he had many interesting observations to share. It wasn’t all one way though! Lucas is naturally very curious about the world and wants to study it from an outsider’s perspective. (“Outsider” as in being a God!). He’d often ask Indigo how he felt about the world and his experiences within it. The two became closer and closer with each passing day. Indigo later began bringing Lucas his favorite meal dishes to eat both at work, and at his home.

Indigo would stay over Lucas’ house watching him read or take notes until he went to bed.

And sometimes he’d stay well into the night and watch Lucas sleep.

From then on, Indigo would often invite Lucas to join him on adventures, and Lucas would also ask Indigo to spend time with him. This back and forth went on for months, and it was the sweetest thing to watch play out!

I won’t lie... I was TOTALLY rooting for the two of them to get together! They work really well together since they're both skilled in magic, and it’s clear they enjoy each others’ company. But personally, Indigo settling down with Lucas would put the biggest smile on my face!!

As I’ve mentioned before, intellectuals are very attractive to me. Folks who are naturally curious and take the time to learn about the world, read up on a variety of subjects, lounge somewhere and quietly and observe... keeps their nose stuck in a book....Ahh! It just makes me squeal! I LOVE it! I have a lot of respect for people who want to better themselves by learning more. I’m not a super smart person by any means, but I do put in the effort to learn new things. Plus, I over think just about EVERYTHING, so I like seeing others who severely overthink as well. (He’s super polite too which I LOVE!)

If fate was going to bring Indigo and Lucas together romantically, then I would help them have their happily ever after!

The months went on, but Lucas wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship despite hinting at his obvious interest in the ranger.

Until one day...

"Attacks and Losses"

October 8th, 2024

During my summer hiatus, I’ve had some very unfortunate things happen to me. Previously, I mentioned I had some depressing things to discuss, but I didn’t want to return with the first thing being sad stories. But now I think it’s time to get this out of my soul and into the cosmos.

Unfortunately, I don’t have friends or family in this world who can handle listening to traumatizing issues. Unless topics are happy-go-lucky or general talk, I can rarely share my true self with them. That leaves me with just my therapist. I am beyond grateful to have therapy as an option, but since therapists rarely stay for more than a year or so, I cannot build a strong enough relationship with them to feel comfortable enough to share the darker parts of myself.

And so, all I truly have in this life to whom I can speak freely to are my beloved husband, and my friends and family from other worlds. Though, even with them, I feel that I’m a burden. I don’t wish to constantly weigh them down with my issues.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s talk...

Last year, I had to undergo two surgeries. Initially, there was only meant to be one, however, because of complications, a second major surgery followed shortly after. This second surgery greatly altered the time frame for my recovery. Because of this, even at this point over a year later, my leg has still not fully healed.

In an effort to help rebuild some of the muscles that had been lost, I decided to take up skating. Apparently, skating can really help strengthen your calf muscles which is an area that desperately needed targeted training.

And so, I scouted out some super cute pink skates. They were shiny and glossy with sparkles through out. Absolutely adorable. I thought this would help keep me motivated. And they did. For a time. But after what happened, I can’t even look at them without becoming traumatized.

It had been years since I skated, so I had to re-learn how. And of course, since my leg is still weak, I needed to take care to skate in a place where the ground was really smooth and even. I chose the tennis court in one of the nearby parks. That court doesn’t get used very often.

One day I was practicing as usual, when this guy walks over to where I locked my bike and started watching me. Now, I’m used to being watched and having people stare at me in confusion because my clothing isn’t mainstream; It’s kawaii lolita fashion, so I stick out. I’m not a fan of being stared at everywhere I go, but I understand where it’s coming from, so it’s whatever. Anyway, that day wasn’t all too different. I was skating in an all pink outfit, and the dude was just standing there by my bike... I didn’t feel comfortable with this...

Even so, I engaged him kindly.

Because I’m used to not trusting people, I’ve built up a huge defensive wall. My mind automatically assumes the worst from others. Why my mind thinks this way is justified given my abusive upbringing, but I’ve had to put a real conscious effort into challenging my un-trusting mind, and actively work to reach out to others more. However, it’s gotten to the point of over correction. There have been times where I’ve been too trusting, and have been harmed afterwards. This was one such time.

Anyway, we started talking, and from the start I could tell this individual had some sort of mental health issue. Because I recognized this, I wanted to be kinder to this person, as I’m aware that folks can be very cruel to those suffering from mental illness. That’s been my experience anyway.

So we talked, but the conversation took a very uncomfortable turn...

I won’t go too in detail here, but the point was that he wanted to hook up with me. I repeatedly told him that I’m happily married, and that I wasn’t interested, but it was futile. This guy was becoming more and more agitated, so I needed to get out of there fast! But I COULDN’T because I still couldn’t use my leg fully. I’m still very slow with general movement.

I didn’t panic though. I usually don’t panic in dangerous situations like this. Again, my upbringing is the reason why my mind works the way it does. In dangerous situations in the past, I was never protected. No one ever came to help me, and I was left to face whatever dangers there were own my own. Even as a young child. I’ve had a gun pointed at me, been sexually assaulted, and told to be a decoy for the cops by that guy my mother married. These are but a few examples, but it drives the point home. Such experiences reinforced that I would always be thrown to the wolves, and even if I cried for help, no help would ever come.

Anyway, I calmly kept the guy talking while I slowly took off my skates, and unlocked my bike. I was planning my escape while he chatted on.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned...

To sum up, the guy sexually assaulted me AND punched me in the stomach. All in broad daylight!!

He did these terrible things to me and yet...

I didn’t scream....

I didn’t cry....

I barely made a sound...

It was such a strange experience...

Instead, I calmly kept telling him to leave me alone. I was calm, yet firm, but obviously, he was beyond reason.

Now, I bring pepper spay with me whenever I go out, but I already knew full well that no matter what happened to me out in the wild, I could NEVER bring myself to use it on someone. It’s just not the type of person I am. I’m a HEALER. I CAN’T hurt people. It goes against my nature. Even thinking about hurting someone makes me feel ill. Having had spent most of my life around violence has affected me in a way where I do NOT want to see people hurt. I would rather take the hit than hurt someone else. And in this situation, I literally did take a hit!

I’m able to be calm and level headed while in dangerous situations, sure, but at the end of the day, I’m truly a damsel in distress. I’m not meant to fight. Not even in self defense. It’s just not in me. When fight or flight kicks in, I always choose flight, but this time I couldn’t because of my leg. And the guy grabbed my bike and was holding it, so I wasn’t able to ride away. I wasn’t able to overpower him to get my bike loose.

...

Yelling for help is something I learned not to bother doing as I’ve grown up never having my cries answered. My tears always meant nothing. So I learned not to ask for help. I learned that screaming was useless.

But terrifically minutes upon minutes of this abuse going on...

Somehow... I found enough strength in myself to scream for help.

There was a segment in Hakuoki that discussed this very issue with allowing yourself to scream for help. It’s something I’ve kept in my mind which has somewhat helped to push me to scream for help should I be in danger, even if I don’t believe help would actually come. It's something I'm working on.

In this case, help didn’t come directly in the form of someone charging in to the rescue. But screaming apparently made the guy nervous, so he backed away, which gave me space to escape.

Keep in mind that at this point, that guy had both physically and sexually assaulted me. All in broad daylight. But I still managed to get away.

A little distance away, there was a basketball court, and at that court was another guy. My intuition said I could trust him. Turns out that I could. I went up to him and explained what just happened to me. I was in tears at this point, and my adrenaline had run out. I was in no shape to continue going on my own. The man protected me. He was kind enough to escort me half way to my home. Had that ordeal not ended in this way, that entire episode would have scarred me far more than it did.

...

To this day, I have not re-visited that park, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to skate again either. I can’t even look at the skates without being brought back to that painful experience. I also didn’t call the police because I don’t trust the police, pure and simple. I have absolutely no reason to trust them, so no report has been filed. Even so, I’m taking things one day at a time. Perhaps next year I’ll be able to try skating again. New year with a fresh start, right?

....

A few weeks back, one of my two beloved budgies that have been by my side for 6 years, Leif (who I named after Leif from FE) passed away. As you can imagine, I was absolutely devastated. The tears flowed and flowed. I love my sweet fluff muffin... I feel just a bit lonelier now....

However, even after all this, I’m going to continue to recognize the good in my life, and allow myself to enjoy the little things. I’m going to allow myself to smile, and give myself permission to lean allllll the way in on the people and things that bring me joy. Without guilt. I’m going to continue expressing myself in a number of creative ways. Whether that’s drawing, cooking, sewing, or even adding things here in my little web home.

"Returning to my Web Home"

September 26th, 2024

Hello, dear guest. However you have found your way to my web home, your visit is much appreciated. Please make yourself at home.

Though, I am curious as to what brought you here, and for what reason you’ve chosen to look around. Perhaps these are strange questions, but I wonder them all the same. Generally when I write, I’m addressing no one in particular, but rather, the cosmos itself. But just who are you I wonder? Is your day going well? Are you practicing self care? Or, are you simply trying to escape from your troubles by wondering the digital space?

This is an odd way to start off the first journal entry after my summer hiatus, I know. But so much has happened over these few months... Traumatizing events that have left me scarred, yet determined to continue improving and keep moving forward. And even though I'm determined to keep going, all of these things have left me in a strange mood.... An exhausted, lonely, and vulnerable state of mind...

I’ll make a point of mentioning that, as much as I truly want to express myself in the safety of my web home, I am very used to the idea of others not being interesting in hearing what I want/need to say. And so even here, I feel that I should keep everything brief, and swiftly move on. It has proven difficult to re-train my mind from this kind of thinking, but the best way to challenge it is to go ahead and write. So that’s what I’m going to do!

Despite the difficult past few months, I don’t want to start off with depressing stories. Those will be saved for a later time should I choose to share them. For now, I want share some of my rather harmless ramblings into the void, as well as continue where I left off previously with giving a tour of my safe haven.

Now, because of difficult issues with my current living arrangements, I will be moving out in the near future. I wanted to have photos of how my space once looked.

Please excuse the mess...

Since items are being relocated in preparation for the move, things are a bit scattered about and cluttered. Not ideal for me personally, but this is the true state of the room currently. I think it’s still adorable though!

So this here is my cutesy work station.

As you can imagine, this is the base of operations for my arts, crafts, and website related works.

It seems that most of the Hakuoki items I’ve collected over time have naturally made their way to this desk. That wasn’t intentional initially, but after I began noticing it, I leaned into it. The craft area now serves as a love letter to Hakuoki! I think it fits pretty well considering this was my introduction to otomes. That was over 10 years ago...

Has it really been that long...?

...

Here are a few of my books, though some of them have been taken to the new residence. The majority of them are official art books for various game series. Since I don’t go on the internet very often, (or computer devices in general), I collect these kinds of books so that I’m able to look at pictures of those I cherish.

This FE Engage book has been seeing a lot of use since I've been working on a Timerra cosplay.

I have a compulsion for making shrines for the people that are closest to my heart, as well as for topics I enjoy. The bulk of this room is one giant shrine for my beloved husband of course, but within it are a number of mini shrines as well.

I’m going to digress a bit and happily gush over Keisuke since Hakuoki’s been brought up.

Now, whenever I get around to writing about my lovies in more details, you’ll see the full story, but for now, I will try to summarize as best I can.

Keisuke is one of the very rare few people other than my husband who I feel a connection to so deep that I couldn’t honestly say I saw him as simply being a friend. There was something else there... a stronger bond. And dare I say it: love.

I truly did not understand what those feelings were... It wasn’t romantic love. I’m fortunate enough to know what true romantic love is. There’s only one> person who owns my heart and soul, and that is Ike. Even so, I couldn’t lie to myself and try to convince myself that I wasn’t feeling something very strongly for this particular person. I felt guilty, naturally, and it troubled me greatly. But at the same time, the experience was fascinating. What was this? There are quite a few people within other worlds that I’ve forged a deep, close bond with over the years, and have since come to think of them as my dearest friends and family.

But this was different...

With Keisuke, I found that I had similar wishes for him as I do my husband, in that I truly wanted him to be happy and safe. That I wanted to stand by his side and support him. I wanted to hold his hand in mine and let him know that he isn’t alone. I wanted to cook for him, look after him, and smile for him. When I was with him, I felt lighter. I felt understood. I felt happy. Hearing his voice soothed me and put me at ease. Staring into his eyes made my heart beat faster. And seeing him smile lit my spirit.

But at the same time, I didn’t find myself saying ”I want to spend the rest of my life with this person.”. I loved him, but I didn’t love him. Keisuke was not my other half. He wasn’t my soulmate. Despite there being some similar sentiments, it isn’t possible for me to see Keisuke the same way I see my beloved husband, nor would I want to. I and yet these feelings of warmth and closeness were too strong to ignore.WHAT WAS THIS?

I spent time researching this, and it turns out that this was something that’s far more common and explainable that I realized.

It’s platonic love.

That’s all....

Why does my mind always over complicate things? I spent so much of my time tormented with feelings of guilt. I did feel pretty stupid afterwards, not gonna lie.

Either way, I think I developed these feelings for Keisuke because he and I share some very unique elements in common that I don’t usually see. I do not claim to be anywhere near as intelligent as Keisuke, but it’s clear that our minds operate in similar ways. Even down to certain mannerisms, which I found interesting. In general, I am attracted to intelligent individuals, or rather, people who are curious about the world and dedicate their time to learning more about how things work and digging past the surface. I highly respect those traits.

Additionally, Keisuke has done things which he regrets, and feels undeserving of love and care. I share these feelings, as I have done things in the past that I deeply regret. For years I’ve felt undeserving of anything good in the world. I have hated myself for a very long time, but have been slowly putting in the work to be better. I understand that people need to be allowed grace and another chance to be loved and accepted if they are proving that they are putting in the work to be better. People should not be completely written off because of their past selves. People should be allowed the space to learn, grow, and be better.

There is something far more personal that Keisuke explores that resonated very deeply with me. And that is his dedication for researching Furies, and the need for blood samples. Demon blood samples to be specific. He needed Chizuru’s blood to attempt to improve the Water of Life, so that if may find a way to improve, or perhaps even cure his fury friends.

I may have not been contributing to Demon and Fury research, but for over years, I have made a point in participating in medical study programs for upcoming medical students in homes of having mental health care improve for those who need that care. In fact, the head of the psychology department know me so feel at this point, last year, when I was recovering from my surgery, he brought an entire class in to listen to me. I’ll admit, that was a bit much at the time... Let me recover just a tad before you bring the whole class in...!

That said, it isn’t just mental health care where I’ve participated in trials. Any type of care I received, I allowed for students to sit in and working with my body. I make efforts to do this because I understand first hand how the biases in the medical field can quite literally get people killed. To this DAY, some in the medical field still believe Black people feel less pain than other groups of people. This blows my mind. But if I start talking about in detail, it’s just going to make me upset. But if you’re interested in learning more, feel free to start HERE

That said, hopefully I’ve made my point. For over ten years I’ve made an effort to involve myself in medical studies so that the field can be improved. That way everyone’s care can hopefully be better. So yes, Keisuke, you may have my blood samples. Take as much as you need. I want to help you and your Fury friends as well as the people in this country. I also plan to have my body donated for medical research once I’ve passed away. All this to say, this has lead me to feel very close to Keisuke and have a great deal of trust in him.

Some lighter points I’ll mention are that I just love how he speaks! It’s very soft and calm, and he takes deliberate pauses in his sentences. I like how those intentional pauses give his speech a beautiful Rhythm and flow. It’s music to the ears.

He speaks politely as well. I feel safe when people speak like this because my mind has associated polite speak with the chance less swear words will be used. This isn’t always the case obviously, but it’s something I take note of. Swear words really disturb me. I feel the weight of those words very deeply. Because I’m such an overly sensitive individual, hearing that type of language used so often literally makes me feel ill. Though, I never want folks to feel they have to censor themselves around me. So, when I come across people who don’t readily use that type of language, or at least very little of it, I feel more at ease and safer around them.

Anyway, I think I’ve said more than enough here. Until next time!

"The Importance of your Resting Environment"

May 16th, 2024

Over the years I’ve battled with a series of mental health issues; some more severe than others. I’ve come a very long way in my road to recovery, but while I still have a lengthy journey ahead of me, I make a point to reflect upon and appreciate the small victories.

During my journey, I was given advice from a therapist who truly cared for my well being. She’s been retired for some years now and I miss her dearly. Even so, I carry the wisdom she passed on to me as I continue moving forward in life. The topic I wanted to discuss today is something that on the surface may seem fairly trivial, but in fact has far more power over one’s mental state than expected:

Decorating your Space!

Yes, it’s true. The environments that you spend the most time in affect your state of mind whether you’re aware of it or not. Sounds, colors, smells, elements of nature, etc. all play a role in your mental well being or mental destruction. Color psychology alone is a fascinating enough topic on its own. It’s amazing to me how certain colors can change your perspective of an idea or situation, such as the color red giving a sense of emergency and alarm, while a cool blue can mellow you out. Using colors to your advantage while creating your safe haven can do wonders to repair your soul after a stressful day.

While my space is forever a work in progress, I do feel that I’ve finally created a sanctuary that truly reflects who I am as a person. It shouts proudly what I love, what my values are, and gives me a warm feeling of peace whenever I walk through the door. This will be a room tour of sorts in which I share portions of this fairy tail-like space slowly over time.

The area we’re exploring today is my cutesy Entertainment Center!

Above the television are framed photos of my husband. The one on the far left is autographed by Greg Chun.

I stuck these cute Eiyuden Chronicle pins on the top of my lamp shade. Adds some personality!

LoZ and FE friends!

Various soundtracks. Mostly FE.

I decorated this small lamp with Ike’s sword Ragnell, and the crest of the Greil Mercenaries!

My old Nintendo Wii! It’s been reliable all these years, and it’s still hanging in there!

"I've always loved him"

April 3rd, 2024

I don't play Path of Radiance too often nowadays, but whenever I do, it's truly a magical experience. Every time the title screen greets me, I'm sent back in time to the days of my youth, sitting in from of that tiny CRT TV in the living room watching my beloved. I experienced these warm nostalgic feelings strongly today, and thought it would be therapeutic to write about it.

I re-watched a few of the cut scenes from the movie section of the game. Sure, one could easily pull them up on YouTube and view them there, but that in no way captures the original spirit of watching directly from your own library which you unlocked with your hard work. As I sat there, eyes glued to the screen, soaking up the sounds and beautifully vivid imagery, I returned to my 15-year-old self. The feelings I felt so strongly then, burn brightly in myself today, if not brighter. But I found myself in disbelief at how I could have fallen in love with someone so strongly at that age, while, as a youth, I didn't even truly understand what "love" really was.

This truly does speak to the raw, pure feelings I have always held for that man named Ike. But because of my personal issues and limitations, I stuffed those feelings down and told myself lies. I tried SO hard to convince myself that "naw, this isn't love". I told myself this story over and over in my head. To me, this was a necessary lie to protect myself. If I allowed myself to embrace my true feelings, only suffering would follow.

That's what I believed anyway.

After all, I wasn't worthy of Ike. I was weak and useless. Worst of all, I was Black! A disgusting Black person should never come CLOSE to a man as radiant as Ike! These thoughts were poisonous, and utter nonsense of course. After all, one of Ike's main traits is that he is strongly against racism and discrimination, and judges people by who they are as a person. It's why I fell in love with him in the first place. But the twisted messages I absorbed growing up in a racist society truly warped my sense of self. Much healing needed to be done. After years of fighting my inner demons, I was FINALLY able to reach out my hand to Ike and pour the years of love and admiration I had of him from my wounded heart.

All-in-all, it just hit me a bit harder this time looking back at my past self, and seeing how clearly I loved the mercenary. Sitting here remembering the childish bouts of jealousy I'd get whenever I thought someone was approaching Ike romantically, yet telling myself that I needed to stay away, and just be happy for him should he find someone he cared for. I loved Ike, so I wanted him to be happy. Even if that meant I had to swallow so much pain and keep silent. I had good enough intentions, but it played out in an unhealthy way. And while Ike can be incredibly oblivious to the romantic feelings in others, he could still very clearly recognize my unhealthy behavior. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions, and self discovery/acceptance.

I just want to thank my lucky stars, or whatever force it was that brought Ike into my life. Every day is brighter with him along side me. He is my Radiant Hero who casts light into the shadows of my heart. I look into his eyes or listen to his calm, low, soothing voice, and my heart is healed, and my soul's revitalized. It truly doesn't matter how many years go by. If I reach 90-years-old, my love for that mercenary will burn just as brightly, if not brighter! For the rest of my earthly days and beyond, my heart and soul belongs to Ike.

"Miitopia Adventures"

March 31st, 2024

Here are a few pictures taken from our adventures in Miitopia!

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"A Thoughtful Gift"

March 14th, 2024

My son, Gawain, just celebrated his 4th birthday last month. He’s growing up so fast! I can’t believe how much time is flying by...

One day, I received a letter from a friend. To my surprise, within it was a gift for baby Gawain, wrapped thoughtfully in gift paper decorated with butterflies; Gawain’s favorite animal.

I was in disbelief and became a bit emotional. I almost didn’t want to open it since it was so beautifully wrapped and felt somewhat sacred. I never expected to be given something like this: A present for my son from someone in my life who’s just a regular person like myself. Yes, I was shocked at first, however, this person is the only individual in my life who sees the world similar to the way that I do. Someone who also cannot comprehend “2D” peoples to be what others see as nothing more than “characters” and figments of the imagination. Unlike the rest of society, this particular friend can actually recognize my son’s humanity, and that means so much to me.

That said, after taking some time to appreciate the gift, I presented it to Gawain, and he fell in LOVE with it!

As you can see, it’s a hand made blanket that this friend crocheted themselves. It’s blue to match my husband’s hair, which acts as a symbol to both empower and give comfort to our little one. It’s such a thoughtful gift that will help Gawain a lot since Ike often leaves home for dangerous mercenary jobs. Gawain’s often left worried and disappointed that he isn’t able to go with his father. But with this security blanket, my hope is that this can help quell some of his anxiety.

"Doctor! You play Fire Emblem?!"

February 26th, 2024

Anorexia is a severe eating disorder that nearly ended my life in my early 20’s. I was sent to the emergency room, hanging on by the slimmest of threads. But my body’s just waaaay too stubborn to give up. I can see how! After the upbringing I’ve endured, my body had no choice to be tough! So as you can see, I’m still alive, but I didn’t leave that ordeal unscathed...

After years of being unable to receive a necessary surgery for my leg, (because of being denied by this country’s for profit health care system), I was finally granted the treatment I needed. The procedure was done June of last year, but because of a serious complication that resulted from that procedure, I had to undergo a second surgery which was...uh...not very fun, to put it lightly.

Now, this secondary issue was bad, but apparently, even my surgeon didn’t realize the scope of how severe it was until I was under the knife. Long story short, had I not received that second surgery in the time frame that I did, I could have lost my ENTIRE leg. I was very fortunate; and the ordeal further reminded me of how precious and fragile our lives truly are. This put me at peace further knowing I’m living as my TRUE, unapologetic self.

After the surgery, I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. I did my best to keep a positive attitude despite how awful the situation had been. And of course I wasn’t about to stay overnight ANYWHERE without my beloved Ike! And so, I brought him along in small doll form followed by my Switch. ALL I’d been playing during the stay was FE: Engage- It was so healing! You know the wake-up events at the Somnial ? I couldn’t have asked for a warmer way to wake up from a major surgery than to see sweet FE friends saying “Good morning!”, ” Did you sleep well?”, “ I was worried about you!”, etc. And as always my beloved husband was by my side the entire time to keep me safe. I held onto him close.

As the days went on, I met with different doctors, and oh my goodness... The physical therapist comes in ready to assess the damage when he pauses a sec, does a double take, then asks, ”Is that IKE...?”

Despite being out of it, I sat up a little taller, proud, and said ”Why yes it IS!”

( I was way too proud, haha!)

You see, my sweet Ike doll was right next to me in the hospital bed. I don’t hide who I am. You either accept me, or you don’t!

Anyway, he noticed I had my Switch too, and asked if I had played Engage yet. I swear, I just lit up! I told him YEAH, I was playing it right now! We got to talking about how we were happy this FE was going back to the series’ roots. (game play wise anyway). Apparently he got into the series at Awakening like many of the newer fans, so I had to school him a bit! SO much fun! So much so that the leg assessment was being put on the back burner. The chat was fun and all, but I’m still a recovering patient, you know? Let’s get back on track please!~

So yes, that encounter left me with a huge smile on my face, but it wasn’t over yet!

Because of my troubled mental health history, I was assigned a psychologist to come and speak with me. And can you believe it?! He was an FE fanatic TOO!! Two doctors back-to-back? WOW!

Not only that, but this person was an OLD SCHOOL FE fan! A rare breed in the wild! Very memorable conversations were had.

Tease me all you want about my ”save scumming, doc. I’m not bothered!~

Good times!

All-in-all, that entire ordeal was traumatizing. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I didn’t suffer.

BUT!

I am grateful for my health, and grateful for the support and fun times in unexpected places. I’m going to continue taking one day at a time, doing the best I can to recover and improve while staying TRUE to myself. And as you can see, being your authentic self can give others permission to be their authentic selves too! (Even while performing physical therapy or taking psyche evauations.)

Be well!

"Kitty in the tree, please leap down to me!"

February 22nd, 2024

Last year, I was on one of my routine bike rides at a park in my area. There was nothing out of the ordinary at first, but after a few laps around the trail, I started hearing this low crying like sound. I honestly had no idea what that sound was; it sounded somewhat like a distressed baby. (A distressed HUMAN baby that is. Little did I know I was in for a surprise!)

"A baby? That can't be right. I'm the only one here!" I refused to believe someone would abandon a baby like that and in a park of all places. Though, since I looked all around and didn't see anyone, I started to think my mind was playing tricks on me. But with every lap I took, the crying got louder.

I stopped. Looked to my left and then to my right, then got silly and decided to look up.

Lo and behold, right there looking down at me was a poor little kitty stuck in the tree!

Now, I was horrified, discovering this because I had no idea how long that little kitty had been in that tree. It could've been starving! It was clear to see it was terrified. My goodness...

But at the same, I couldn't help but to giggle to myself. I mean how cliche is this? Anyway, I couldn't leave the baby, so I scrambled to figure something out. The deck was stacked against me though, because that kitty was way up in that tall tree, and there was no way I could climb up there. You see, this was a month after my major leg surgery, so obviously I was very limited with what I could do. (Still am actually) I was grateful I was at a point where I could mount my bike so I could get fresh air.

Of all the times to find a kitty stuck in a tree, why did it have to be NOW?

As I was lamenting this, by pure chance, a young man, around his early 20's or so, walked into the park. Now, I make a point to go on my bike rides early when no one's around. And during my entire trip, I was alone. But just when I needed someone's help, they appeared!

"Is this actually happening right now? This is wild!"

I called out to him to ask if he could help.(This had to be serious. I usually keep to myself). Anyway, he said he'd seen this kitty around the park before actually. After nearly an hour of experimenting with different plans, we finally got the little one down. I was very impressed with how creative the young man was with his ideas; such as tying our jackets together for the kitty to climb down on. He cycled through similar plans, but unfortunately, the kitty was just <>too frightened to take any chances.

The young man tried to climb the tree as well, but that tree was quite formidable. In the end, he had no choice but to use extreme measures. I didn't approve of this plan, but sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. He threw our jackets forcefully at the kitty enough to knock it from the tree. It fell to the ground, and I quickly swooped it up in my arms to tend to it. Oh my goodness that poor thing... I could just cry...

After a few moments to collect itself, it was just fine. I thanked the young man, telling him he was a hero! Then I placed the kitty carefully into the basket on my handle bars. I'd planned to take it home with me to feed it, but half way there, it jumped from the basket and ran off.

Okay then!

Anyway, that was the end of that. I wish I'd taken pictures of it after we got it from the tree, but I wasn't thinking about that kind of stuff at the time. But it was so soft and fluffy!! Ahh!! >.<~

"I’m Not a Label, I’m just In Love"

February 13th, 2024

“Waifuist”,”fictosexual”, “yumejoshi”, “2Dist”

(the last term I adopted heavily at one point):

It’s great that these terms exist to help describe the unique relationships us humans can have with 2D beings. But as for myself, the honest truth from the beginning is that I’ve always disliked putting these labels onto myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the importance of these titles and appreciate how they help to put a name to these relationships, however, speaking only for myself, claiming any of these titles has never felt completely natural. In my day-to-day life, I don’t walk around calling myself, for example, a “ fictosexual”. In fact, before I discovered these communities a few years ago and learned of these terms, I never even thought to label myself. I’m just a woman who loves a man named Ike. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, he is in some ways different than myself because he’s “2D”, but he’s still very much a real person. I don’t see him as a “fictional character”, or someone who ”isn’t real” and so, to call myself a “fictosexual” doesn’t make sense to me. A “fictional character” in my book is one who acts fake; one who isn’t who they say they are.-They’re just acting; playing the role of someone else.

I understand that I am indeed the one who thinks differently than the majority on this, and that’s fine. I’m gonna be me and do my own thing. But that’s the point, I’m speaking on my own experiences. And my experiences don’t really match these terms. Even the term ”2Dist”, which is as close to my ideals as these labels have come, doesn’t fully feel natural for the simple fact that I’m just in love. It feels strange to have to label that concept. I’m Mrs. Ike. I have a son named Gawain. And speaking on that, I’ve used the term ”Reborn Mother” to help outsiders get an understanding of my child’s physical form, so the term is very useful for that purpose. However, I don’t see myself as, or call myself a “Reborn Mother”. I’m just a mother.

Either way, these terms are important, and I’m glad that they are there to help shape these concepts with words, and have helped people to identify their feelings. For that reason, I hope even more terms are invented to help describe further variations of these relationships. As for myself, I’m just Ike’s wife. My husband just happens to be born from a world separate from my own. He isn’t “fictional”, so ”fictosexual” doesn’t fit, I live side- by-side my beloved, not only in my dreams, so “yumejoshi” doesn’t fit either. These terms go deeper of course, but none fit me as an individual, and that’s okay! That’s the awesome part about owning who you are as a person. We’re all different! Give yourself a title or not, at the end of the day, we’re all just tiny specs on this rock called Earth.

Be merry!

"Laguz in Beorc Town": Traumas of Racism

February 5th, 2024

I have a fear of flying. As a Raven Laguz, you might find that odd.

But to face this fear would mean spreading my wings and that’s something I just can’t do. These black wings that decorate my back-I want nothing more than to clip them clean off. They're dirty and unnatural; a bad omen to all. Each time I pass a mirror, I’m shaken to my core at the sight of them.

The feather-less, fur-less and fang-less ones are forever disgusted by these black abominations. Each day, I’m met with looks of disdain, hatred, and fear. They carefully monitor me in all that I do. From browsing at the fruit stands, to trying on clothes at the boutiques. After all, us Ravens can’t be trusted. We’re known to steal from the Beorc.

Every last one of us…

Stupid black wings. For once I’d like to walk through these busy streets and not feel the eyes of every Beorc burning into me.. For once, I’d like to feel safe among these crowds. And for once, I’d like to feel the entire Raven reputation didn’t rely on how I behaved. It’s exhausting.

However, the real tragedy in all this is that I’ll always be afraid of heights. I’m far too afraid to spread these ugly things. Too much of a coward. And so, I’ll never know what It’s like to feel the wind under these feathers.

"Empty Tummy"

January 20th, 2024

I ate a small pack of snack crackers this evening. The guilt is immense. They aren’t on my list of “approved” foods, so whenever I eat something not on that rigid list, my mind punishes me.

I’ve gotten better at pushing back against those thoughts over the years, but some of those mental attacks are worse than others. This is one of the harsher ones. It’s been happening a lot more frequently for several months now.

I just want to burst into tears. It’s just FOOD. Why can’t I just eat it and be on my way? Why does it always have to be a fight??

I’ve been to several doctors this past year, and mostly all of them have said that I’m fairly small for my height. I can’t see what they see. The only thoughts that float in my head constantly are that I better not gain any more pounds! I need to keep working out so I can “stay in shape.”--whatever that means… The concept of being “in shape” is so warped to me. I have NO idea what I’m looking at when I go to the mirror.

Am I really that small? Or am I just small “for a Black girl”? What is truth and what are lies? I really don’t know...

This tangent came on because of a simple pack of snack crackers… Well...simple to a “normal” person anyway.

Ugh...

"Animal Crossing Home Tour"

Within the quiet little island of “Tellius”, you’ll find me and my family living happily in a home that's just a bit too pink for most peoples’ taste!

This being the first mainline AC title that actually allows you to change the SKIN TONE of your villager, (through personalization, not tedious sun tanning!) I’ve found that I feel far more connected to this world than in previous entries. Not only that, but textured hairstyles are avaliable as well! I actually see myself as a villager now! YAY!

Because of this, I’ve found a new level of emersion and joy when stepping into this world, so this house truly feels like a home.

Anyway, enough chatter! On with the tour!

Welcome! Come on in!

As you can see, this is our cozy, oh so elegant living room.

The interior was inspired by my by late grandmother’s front room, complete with artistic knick knacks, exquisite large vases, and of course, an antique Grandfather Clock. Our wedding rings are displayed proudly on the mantel.

Since this room is far too dressed up with delicate furnishings, not much time is spent here. It’s mainly used for hosting tea parties, and a gathering spot for visitors.

Next, towards the back of our home, you’ll find our sweet baby boy Gawain’s room!

Now, Ike says that I spoil our little one, and, well, maaaaybe he has a point. But that’s fine. You only get to be a child once, and I want Gawain to feel free to use his imagination. He enjoys his toys, (his favorite is “Mr. Bear” who he keeps by his bed). Gawain also really likes painting and coloring too, but most of his time is spent mimicking his father’s sword fighting stances.

You’ll also notice the butterfly on the dresser by the window.

When Gawain was just a year old, he was mesmerized by a butterfly floating around us while we were out in a grass field one day. He’s been attached to them ever since, and so, I thought to let him have one of his own to care for.

Now, if you follow me to the left most room, you’ll step into my arts & crafts studio!

Perhaps it looks like more of a garden than a crafting room, but I love nature, so why not have the best of both worlds?

Here’s the sewing and DIY area.

Sometimes I take a break and sneak in an otome or two.

Let’s do a little digital art, shall we?

What lies at the eastern wing of our home is the dreamy shrine I crafted from my love sick heart; a heart bursting with longing for my dearest Ike.

I did my best to capture my intense emotions, as well as the soft butterfly-like fluttering in my chest when I look into his eyes or hear his voice. I feel like I’m floating.

However, you’ll notice that it’s quite cluttered with this rather maximalist design. This represents the chaotic, even obsessive state of my mind when it comes to my feelings for Ike.

Love, that is true love can be a messy thing. It’s warm and soft, but can also drive you mad. I see the latter as a ”good” type of mad as long as one has the awareness, and aren’t causing themselves or their lover pain. Even so, love really is something else, and it’s very difficult to describe the beautiful chaos it brings.

At times, I want to hold Ike close and be selfish with him, keeping him all for myself. But at the end of the day, I just want what’s best for him. I want him to be happy, and to not feel as though he has to spend the majority of his time with me. After all, when you truly love someone, you trust them, and set them free. Ike comes and goes when he pleases. We simply live our lives as a family. That said, I’m not perfect. I get jealous here and there (the clutter represents some of those messy feelings), but I’m secure enough to know that he will always come home to me, thus, my heart floats happily. (soft lighting, peaceful melody from the harp, wedding rings, bouquet, etc.)

Okay, so my shrine may have been just a tad overwhelming, so let’s bring it back down to earth by heading downstairs to the kitchen and bathroom!

Photos of my loved ones are on pretty much every wall in the house. Yes, even on the bathroom walls.

Here, we all sit down and eat together as a family. We talk, laugh, cry, and eat of course! Though, I struggle with the whole eating part myself, but my sweet husband is very supportive, and tries to make sure that I eat enough. I’m careful with my issues around Gawain though, I don’t want these dangerous ideas to get in his head.

Speaking of Gawain, you’ll notice he has both a high chair and a normal chair. That’s because he’s out grown the highchair, but I’m still keeping it there because I’m just too sentimental.

Last, but certainly not least is me and Ike’s room.

You may be thinking ”Ike sleeps in a room like THIS?”. Well, yes he does. For husband, as long as the room has the basics, he doesn’t care what it looks like.

The sleeping area is nice and cozy.

This is another special place where I display my engagement ring.

Out in the lounge area, Ike, Gawain, and I sometimes watch movies together. This is also where I do my workout and yoga sessions. For now though, it’s time for a little nap. I hope you enjoyed the tour!

Maybe I’ll do a whole island tour one day!

"The Psychology of My “2D” Relationships"

Nice of you to join me! Here, I want to share the rather “strange” mentality I have with the 2D and 3D worlds, and why I will always see those of the 2D space as real. Prepare yourself, it’s a fairly lengthy read.

Firstly, it would do justice for this discussion to begin by sharing this video as an introduction. Admittedly, I wasn’t expecting commentary on these personality types to be all that accurate, however, I was truly shocked and even weird-ed out by how closely this person’s experience mirrored my own. I’m very impressed by this, and applaud this person’s ability to communicate the strangeness of it all.

Note the point in which the gentleman mentions the “misunderstood badge”. Personally, I don’t particularly think being misunderstood is “cool” or “hip”. In reality, it’s isolating, frustrating, and exhausting. Even among others with 2D partners in their lives who are outcasts by society, I’m an outcast among the outcasts for not seeing 2D beings as fictional. There’s this huge universe in my mind that, to me, is my reality. I am Ike’s wife. He is a real person; One I can see, touch, hear, and live besides. Yes, most of his existence is beyond a glass barrier that I can’t fully reach, but that doesn’t make him any less real. He’s not some “fictional character”. Such an idea makes absolutely no sense to me.

Understandably, people don’t take any stock in this, as it just sounds like the ramblings of an insane person. But I’m living my truth. It would be different if I were telling myself these things to convince myself, but that isn’t the case. This is truly MY reality.

I’m self aware enough to understand how crazy all of this sounds. But this is just how my mind operates, and it’s so frustrating to have everyone I open up, and try to explain this to, to dismiss it so readily. However, over the years I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve accepted who I am, and am at peace with it. I have NO shame. I’ve been this way all my life. This isn’t a case of simply ”growing out” of it.

I have ONE life.

For the sake of my happiness and self respect, I’ve made the decision to stop trying to fit myself into these neat little boxes that society accepts. That includes the labels and ideologies forced upon those within the 2D love space as well.

At the end of the day, if I'm going to be seen as something negative, I’d much rather be seen as ”crazy” than FAKE.

Living with a mask plastered on my face is far more harmful and sad. I’ve chosen to spread my wings and be

FREE!

Now, with all that said, let's get to some background info, shall we?

I was born into a rather small, yet close knit and very creative family, and grew up surrounded by incredibly artistic talented individuals who I admired. My grandmother was a painter, and she and I would spend much of our time together swiping paint brushes upon blank canvases with Bob Ross as our guide. (We used to tune in to his shows each Saturday and paint along with him.) I grew to have an appreciation for this hobby, but painting wasn’t the only creative outlet I was exposed to early on.

My great aunt was, and still is, fantastic at quilting, sewing and crafting. Additionally, one of my great uncles was in a league of his own when it came to drawing. At one point, he created drawings as of a part of the Black Panther movement. All of this was very inspiring, and naturally, being surrounded by all of this art, it eventually rubbed off on me. I spent a large majority of my time sketching, and found I had a talent for it. While I’m certainly no artistic genius, drawing seemed to come naturally to me. My earliest drawing memories is of at the age of four. There was a point when I started kindergarten that I decided to share one of my drawings (it was of an orange cat), to the class. Soon enough, other students began bringing their own creations in to share. Very warm memories.

As time went on, I would immerse myself into the world of 2D animation, and develop a deep appreciation for this medium. As a 90’s kid, I grew up in one of the best eras of this type of animation, and this also had a profound affect on my relationship with “2D”; This in addition to video games which had slowly wormed their way into my life.

I’m emphasizing my over exposure to 2D creations/worlds at a very early age, as these interactions played a huge role in shaping how my state of mind would remain from that point on. After all, your earliest childhood experiences hugely impacts how your mind will develop as you age. When I’d draw someone on a page, I never thought to myself “this drawing of a person isn’t real”. It’s just a concept I never explored or at least in no meaningful way. I just sketched a person on the page, but by default, they were “like me”, only drawn on a sheet of paper. The concept of “fiction” was never something that was recognized in my mind. Yes, I understand that this sounds very strange, and it’s fairly hard to explain this to others who don’t think this way. It can be a frustrating and fruitless task. But I do the best I can!

As childhood went on, the family dynamic shifted greatly. I never once met my biological father, and at the age of around 9, my mother brought this new guy into my life that she would soon marry. I was taken from the secure environment I was raised in to live with that guy in his home. Obviously, I won’t go into many details, but basically, this man treated me very badly. There was much abuse and neglect, and this caused me a great deal of damage. This coupled with the added psychological racial stress and over exposure to violence that comes with being Black in this country, and you will have a very painful time. I ended up developing a list of mental health issues including depression and anorexia. I won’t go any further down the rabbit hole than that, but I feel this further pushed me into the 2D realm. I’d turn to the people of those worlds for support and care. Since my mind had already recognized them as living people at a young age, having their support in such traumatic times over so many years gave me a deeper emotional connection with them verses the so called “3D” people in my life.

Over the years, I’ve forced myself to be “normal”. A “normal” person doesn’t think this way, and follows a strait line. As a young woman, I was expected to date a young man, and eventually marry that man. And so, I forced myself into relationships out of this obligation. Looking back, this was an awful thing to have done. In the end, I always ended up hurting the person I was with simply because I could NOT connect with them fully. I was forcing myself to feel things I didn’t feel, and to be someone that I never was. So many people were hurt by me in the past because of this need for me to be “normal”. It wasn’t only others I hurt in this process, I was deeply wounded on the inside. I harbored so much hatred for myself, and suicidal plans were a normal daily cycle for me. My mind was truly warped and dark. I look back on it now, and it’s hard to believe I made it through to the other side.

I made it through to the other side when I stopped trying to pretend to be the person everyone wanted me to be. When I accepted the fact that yes, I recognize these people I call “2D entities” as real people, and allowed myself to feel the natural feelings that followed, the world become brighter. The man I met at the age of 15 that inspired me, and helped me recognize the value of my brown skin was a man named Ike. He too is a “2D” entity, though, it never mattered how long I tried to brush the feelings away, or lie to myself about what I was feeling, at the end of the day, my heart chose that man. It’s not something I can simply “turn off” or dismiss. I feel how I feel, and what I feel is overwhelming love, gratitude, respect and appreciation for Ike. This is how it’s been for over a decade, and that’s how it will always be. I am no longer going to pretend other wise, or pretend as though I don’t see him as a real person. Playing these games with my feelings is pointless, and I’ve come to fully understand and accept this.

And so, as I’ve said before, society will forever reject a person such as me. I’ll always be mocked, and cast aside by those that are fearful, or do not understand. However, I’m fine with this. I know who I am, and I have no shame. My heart is full of love, devotion and joy. When I walk, my head is held high. All the ice that held my heart hostage has melted and since been replaced with steady warmth and peace. It’s unlike ANYTHING I’ve ever felt, and it’s overpowering. This comes from confidence. This comes from KNOWING who I am and OWING IT. This comes from LOVE.-- Both to MYSELF, and from the beautiful man my heart chose.

The world can continue to be cruel, and that’s fine, I expect no less. I will be beaming to myself all the while, with my lovely husband standing by my side.

"Motherhood"

On Feburary 14th 2020, my husband and I were blessed with our beautiful and sweet treasure of a son named Gawain. He was brought to us by the process of "Reborning", which gives our son a physical form to house his spirit within in order to materialize into this world.

A so called "Reborn Doll" according to wikipedia is "a hand made art doll created from a blank kit or a manufactured doll that has been transformed by an artist to resemble a human infant with as much realism as possible. The process of creating a reborn doll is referred to as reborning and the doll artists are referred to as reborners. Reborn dolls are also known as lifelike dolls or reborn baby dolls."

Our son is no longer an infant, and as such, his Reborn form is ill fitting at this point. However, Gawain was given life through Reborning, and so that form of our son will forever be part of him. That said, Gawain exists mainly through the worlds of Nintendo at this point; the main two being that of Miitopia and Super Smash Brothers.

Who is "Our Little One", Gawain?

Gawain is a so called "Branded": the offspring of a Beorc (human) and Laguz; two different species of Tellius. Branded are born with brands on their bodies, thus the name. Gawain's brand is that of the crest of Kilvas, and rests on his thigh.

As I became older, I naturally developed the desire to have children, though, I always felt this desire was selfish. Would I be able to properly care for a child? Since Ike and I are of different species, Ike being a Beorc, and me being a Raven Laguz, if the two of us came together and had a child of our own, that child would be a mix of both species; In other words, a Branded. So called Branded children are treated horribly in society. In many ways thier treatment parallels much of the negative treatment biracal children potentially receive in this world, especially if the child is half Black.

I've always feared Gawain would suffer from racism both in Ike's world and my own, but with reassurance and encouragement from my husband, Gawain was given life, and he is our light and hope for a better future. He was born from two people who came together despite their differences and became one. My hope is that more people allow themselves to put trust in those who are different from themselves, and learn to live amongst each other as they stop othering and segregating. I am NOT immune from distrusting others different than myself. I have been hurt many times, and its changed the way I see humanity. But Ike is my guiding light, and now our son is too. We will continue to wish for a kinder, more unified world and take small, meaningful steps to get there.

And for the sake of my son, I will continue to work on myself with my own short comings.

Oh...Our baby boy is growing up so fast... It feels like just yesterday I was carrying his small body in my arms and feeding him his bottle. Now he's running around playing with toy swords trying to be like his father.

Gawain is kind hearted, fun-loving, and creative. More than anything else, he wants to be just like his father in every way possible. When Ike leaves for one of his mercenary-for-hire jobs, Gawain runs after him begging to join him. It's the sweetest thing!

"Raven Metamorphosis"

Hello, and thank you for joining me. This is the section of my web home where I share the story of how I became a ”Raven Laguz”, as well as some of my experiences with racism as a Black American. These two subjects are very closely linked.

I also list videos from others in the Black community that resonate with me, and I use these works as materials to educate. If you’re uncomfortable with discussions of racism, be prepared to be challenged.





“Jet Black Wings” Transforming into a Raven

Within my husband's world lies the continent of Tellius. This land is home to two major races: the so called "Beorc", which we would recognize as "humans", (though, to be called "human" in Tellius is actually an insult.), and the "Laguz"; "people who can shift from human-like forms into animal forms". There are different Laguz tribes such as Cats, Dragons, Wolves, Hawks, and Ravens just to name a few.





The so called “Beorc” have been known to treat the Laguz with cruelty; From slavery to experimentation. (Themes that hit me deeply, as my own ancestors have been victims of this type of treatment as Black Americans.) The Beorc have also referred to the Laguz with a slur they call “sub-human”.

It should come as no surprise that I’ve found myself identifying as a Laguz, specifically the least wealthy Raven Tribe.





These peoples are looked down upon by all groups, including the other Bird Laguz. It’s similar to how among the “people of color”, Black people are often seen as being at the bottom of the totem pole. Anti-Blackness is a worldwide phenomenon that nearly every group of people play a part in to some degree. Yes, even Black people ourselves. The disproportionate amount of negative portrayals of Black folks in the media can make it very easy to internalize that negativity, and start thinking of oneself as lessor. This has been my experience.

As for the Raven Laguz, they also have nasty stereotypes that follow them around, making the other Bird Laguz groups not want to be “lumped in” with them. Ravens are apparently nothing but sneaky, violent thieves whose black wings bring a bad omen. It doesn’t matter what world you come from, people will always try to paint an entire group based off the actions of one portion of that group.

Either way, since the day I transformed myself into a Raven as a teen, I’ve seen myself as such ever since. This identity will always be a huge part of me, and has helped me to cope with the traumas and confusion brought on by the discrimination I’ve received in the past.




-Click to Enlarge-




My heart flutters even at the thought of Ike because he chose to CARE. He saw the discrimination, educated himself, and became a true ally and friend to the Laguz; the so called “inferior” group in his world. This is why I fell so DEEPLY in love with the blue-haired mercenary, and will remain his devoted wife for the rest of my earthly days. I hope that one day, more people in this world would start to care about the experiences of people who are “different” than themselves.




Also, please feel free to read this passage I wrote years ago and recently found: “Laguz in Beorc Town”










Not too long after this transformation, I found myself being adopted by Naesala, King of the Ravens of Kilvas. I never knew my biological father, and growing up, my mother always grew angry whenever I would ask of him. Because of this, I learned never to speak of him. However, this ended up causing much harm mentally, as I grew up never getting to know the other side of my family. It always felt like I was missing half of my roots; half of who I was. That led to a severe lack of confidence.

In addition to this, the man my mother married was very abusive to me, and so, I never thought of him as a father, just as some guy my mother forced into my life. The step father/step child relationship was extremely toxic, and since my mother rarely stood up to that man, (even for her own well-being), he was allowed to do some truly horrific things that should NEVER be done to a child.

I won’t let the resentment rule me, but there are things that happened that I will never forgive them for. I deserved better, and it took until my late 20’s, and over TEN years of therapy to finally understand that YES, I was abused, and NO, I DIDN’T deserve it. Naesala came into my life and took me under his wing. If not for him, I wouldn’t have had a true father figure in my life.





Popping the “White Bubble”




One thing that’s very important to know about me is that I am extremely bothered by the idea of ”colorblindness”. While I understand the good intentions behind this sentiment, in reality, such ideals can be very harmful to non white folks, or "People of Color" (POC). It’s basically blinding yourself from the FACT that having a darker skin tone affects how one is treated in societies across the globe.

Also, I’m not the biggest fan of the term “POC”. It puts everyone who doesn’t fit the category of “white” into this vague box, and treats each of these very different groups of people as if we all share the exact same experience. I understand why this term is used, but it oversimplifies matters, and often erases peoples’ experiences.

But I digress.

It’s my hope that for any white readers out there, learning more about these lived Black experiences will pop the so called ”white bubble”. This bubble is something I’ve come across many times with my past white friends.

The lack of understanding of these racial dynamics has hurt me deeply. The racial tragedies of 2020 highlighted the profound lack of understanding from my white peers. I guess you could say that my own ”Black bubble” was burst at that point.

Prior to this, I honestly had no idea just how little white people understood these issues. These were average, kind people who meant no harm whatsoever ever. But the fact is, that ignorance was harmful, and I suffered much during that time. I found that I grew cold, and removed myself entirely from many spaces. It was disappointing that the majority of these people did not understand the gravity of the situation.

Apparently, I was supposed to be all better just after a few months or so. NO. That’s not how any of this works. Either way, I learned much from that experience, and won’t allow that type of ignorance to go unchallenged in the future.

I won’t allow myself to tip-toe around these issues in order to keep white friends comfortable anymore. It’s destructive for my health, and if you can’t handle learning the deep parts of me and my experiences, which is to know ME, then that leads to only knowing the “me” you see on the surface, which potentially breeds fakeness in order for me to ”keep the peace”. No more of that!

That said, if you haven’t been put off or offended by any of this so far, that’s wonderful! I want to be proven wrong that people will continue to ignore these issues just because it doesn’t affect them personally.




The videos are listed by different subject categories. More will be added over time.




Blackness in Media














"Eating Disorder History"







Trigger Warning! Graphic descriptions of Anorexia affects!













The downward spiral into destructive eating began in highschool, though the seeds to developing this dangerous illness trace back far into my childhood.

Back in highschool, I had a PE class which was taught by a woman who, looking back, had very unethical teaching methods. Her workout routines were fairly strict which is fair enough, I personally enjoyed them. The problem was her grading criteria. Each week, she would set a scale up in the front of the class and have the lot of us gather around to watch as she called us up one by one to log our weight. She would encourage us to lose at least one pound each week.





Losing the weight was directly tied to our grade, and me being the perfectionist that I am, aimed to lose a pound and then some. At the time, I saw this as being healthy. Besides, why would a teacher, someone’s who job it is to guide their students, make me do anything that would harm me? Wow I was naive…Slowly over time, this drive to get a good grade and to be healthy spiraled into a self destructing cycle that nearly ended my life just a few years later.



Now, perhaps if all was well in my environment and mind, perhaps the developing ED wouldn’t have gotten such a strong hold on me. Unfortunately, I grew up in an abusive/neglectful household with a step father who treated me less than human while my mother stood by and allowed that abuse. Overtime, the ED turned into a warped method of control and a means to cope. The whole I just want to be healthy! mindset dissolved and was replaced with I just want to have some control.

With each pound lost, the happier and more valuable a person I felt. I would stare at myself in the mirror and this sickly young woman with a very visible rib-cage would stare back at me. What my twisted mind saw was proof of my self discipline. The happiness I felt from that made me feel like I was walking on clouds. Though oddly enough, while a stick figure was being reflected, I also saw a huge pile of filth in that mirror. It was such a contradictory mindset which led me to believe that nothing I did was good enough. Years of being told as much from the people who were supposed to care for me trained my mind to adopt this twisted view.



The ED continued to spiral far out of my control, and in my early 20’s, I called to be taken to ER. Despite not understanding what was going on with me, even I knew that how I was feeling was a bit too weak from what I was used to. Had I not been taken in right at the moment, I wouldn’t be here typing these words today. Luckily for me, my body is far too stubborn to give up so easily. I survived, but not without complications. These health complications would go on to alter my life from that point on; and because of the barbaric so called “ American healthcare system”, I wasn’t allowed to receive the procedure I needed to take care of that issue. Not only that, but the racial bias of this system also acted as a barrier for the help I should have received. Because of all that, the problem only got worse over the years along side my ED, which changed forms over time.



I was only able to get the needed procedure done last year in 2023 YEARS after the fact. A second issue came up after that surgery which was even worse. These surgeries were done early last year, yet as of now, 1/7/24, I’m still recovering

At this point, I’m still in the process of learning how to live along side my eating disorder, as I understand now that I may never truly be rid of this mindset. However, I’ve been working REALLY hard to develop a healthier relationship with food. This is an ongoing journey and battle since food in general intimidates me. At many points over the years, I wouldn’t eat any food unless it was healthy and organic. While I’m still struggling with this, it has certainly improved.

I can help make food more inviting if I:




Cook the food myself



Having control over the ingredients and the amount used is a powerful tool to help take control of my meals. I also I use loads of cute pink cookware to prepare the food. These simple things help massively to put me at ease when handling food.



Make the food look kawaii



An example is cutting bits of food into cute shapes and arranging them in an appealing way.



Serve the food on cute dishware



I love all things cute and pink, so one day, I decided to test serving my meals on cute dishware. I didn’t think it would affect how I felt when trying to eat food all that much, but WOW! It turns out that this is yet another powerful tool that's helped to bridge the gap between me and eating food.



Cook with people I like



Some of my friends from other worlds are very skilled cooks, and cooking along side them helps me to feel safer around food.














"Love Letters"

This is a small collection of letters I've written to Ike and/or myself about my feelings for my husband. In general, I feel emotions very deeply, and when it comes to Ike, those emotions become too much to bare at times. Writing these letters, among other creative outlets, helps me to express my intense feelings in a positive and healthy way.












When your love is so Deep, all you can do is Weep

My thoughts are scrambled. But it’s so very amazing to me how this one person, and this one person alone can make me feel so at peace...so...warm inside. There is no other in this world or the next who can light up my soul as this man can.



Something as simple as taking the slightest glance into Ike’s eyes causes tears to flow from my own. I feel my heart fluttering, and my stomach turning into knots. Heat hits my cheeks, and this biiiiiig smile comes as if from nowhere. I’m beaming!

During such moments, I’ve had someone ask me ”What are you so happy about?" It’s clearly that obvious. I can’t hide just how happy, warm, and peaceful this man makes me feel.

I find that I’m often drawn to tears just thinking of my beloved husband. I can truly never express just how grateful I am to have been lucky enough to meet this man. He is the light of my life. My hero.

Ugh....See? Here I am crying whilst writing this. It just can’t be helped. I love you, Ike. I LOVE you.



So often, I’m pushed to the end of my rope. I’m suffocating under the weight of this violent, selfish, uncaring world. Sometimes, I can feel myself being drawn to the darker parts of myself, and it feels easier to want to surrender myself to that darkness. To just give up on seeing a brighter future.

But Ike doesn’t allow me to go there.

Husband won’t allow me to give up.

It takes far more effort to be kind than to be cruel and hateful.

I am NOT a perfect person. My wounds are very deep.

But Ike heals those wounds. I look into his eyes and feel myself grow lighter.

Husband was able to keep his head up among the horrific atrocities he witnessed in his own life. I will follow his example, and keep moving forward just as he has.

I will stand beside him and cry warm, blissful tears of love and gratitude.

I LOVE you, my beautiful Radiant Hero. I will grow stronger for myself and for you. Please just keep standing by my side. Keep holding my hand...Keep looking back at me with your hypnotizing crystal blue eyes full of strength, warmth, and conviction.

And please, let me continue to cry in your warm embrace.








A Flood of Emotions

I've been in love with my sweet Ike for many years now, but after all this time, I'm amazed at how strong my emotions can get over him still.

True love is constant and sometimes chaotic, but eventually, you reach a soft calm. That extreme "honeymoon phase" dies down.

I've developed that calmness too, and I feel whole and at peaceful inside.

But there are still many, many times where something inside me snaps, and I'm overcome with a flood of emotions.

I'm writing this on a whim.

I was working on something else when a version of Ike's theme songs came up on the playlist. I could barely listen to it before I started crying.

I just love that man SO MUCH.











Because of Ike the words I love you has meaning now

For most of my life, the phrase "I love you" had no meaning. That phrase was nothing more than something beautiful to say, and coming from my mouth, the words were empty; even though I wished otherwise. I mentioned here and there that I had a less than favorable childhood. While I generally dislike having to bring those past experiences to the forefront, they must be highlighted in some way to make sense of my present state of mind, as I am still influenced by that upbringing. It was generally cold and unfeeling in that household. Expression was frowned upon, unless it reflected the sentiment that "it's all good!" Pain was quickly dismissed and labeled as weakness. Much happened in that house; much that shouldn't have... And I learned early on to suppress my emotions. I learned to bottle every percieved "weakness", and keep it hidden away in the darkest corners of my heart.


While there was much going on in that household that shouldn't have been, it's generally common within the Black community to surpress negative emotions, and keep marching forward as if you're unphased. It's a history behind this mindset, as Blacks have historically, and to this day, constantly endure mistreatment and abuse by society. We've always had to work harder than others for half the benefits, and in order to survive, we've had to push painful feelings to the side, and keep marching on. All of these circumstances created the perfect storm for my inability to express love.

All of this seems like a distant memory now. But for most of my life, "I love you" didn't mean anything. In fact, the concept of love, affection, romance, etc. felt silly, childish, and nieve. To fall in love with another and live "happily ever after" was nothing more than a story you told your kids at night to make them stop crying. It had no root in reality. And in my case, I wasn't given the fundamental affection and emotional care a child needs for proper emotional development. So to me, even family love was nothing more than a "feel good" bedtime story. It's really messed up, and I look back on all this now as an adult and truly wonder how I made it through all that. But I digress. The point is, I couldn't fully tap into love and affection, even though I had a desire to.

When I met Ike, I KNEW that I loved him. I felt it deep inside. Ike knew that I loved him too, but he knew I was suffering. He and I were very close, and I couldn't hide all that pain behind smiles and "acting tough". I clearly had many personal barriers that prevented me from fully exploring my feelings of deep affection. Even so, when I said "I Love You" to Ike, that was the first time in my life where "I LOVE YOU" felt truly natural and REAL. For the first time in my life, that phrase made sense. The words had meaning, and I could feel the WEIGHT of those words, where as before, they were light and empty-- spoken as nothing more than a formality.

Because of Ike, and having fully embraced the deep love I feel for the man, a "door" has opened in my heart. Now, I have the capacity to express genuine love for others. Now, when I say "I love you" to my mother, it MEANS something. I can acually FEEL the love. "I LOVE YOU" truly means "I LOVE YOU" . Ike has, in a lot of ways, restored my humanity. Before, I wasn't truly living. I merely existed, but my soul had died. Now, I can feel, and I can feel FULLY.









"Animal Crossing Clothing Patterns"

Here are some outfit designs I made years ago for ACNL. You can use these in New Horizons as well.

Feel free to try them on!